morning

Good Morning my loves, 

I just woke up, drinking my coffee and watching TV, I’m feeling better today :).  Already had playtime with Jack but I think he wants more. It’s nap time for him ,I’m not sure he knows that yet (lol). It’s still very cold outside, I wont get out of the apartment for the next few days. It’s not good for my mood but I really don’t want to get sicker.  

I think I’m going back to bed, I didn’t sleep very well last night, I’m still sleepy. I hope I don’t spend the day sleeping. I’m watching an interview with Jonathan Fields and Leo Babauta. It’s 52 minutes, here’s the link if you are interested. 

 

Extending our Circle of Compassion

That talk touched my heart… I hope I get the courage to become vegetarian…

Fear

I’ve been blogging for 4 months now and I love it. I never thought I would have such a large audience, I started writing for myself. I use to answer every comment I would get but now it’s getting very hard, because I don’t have time. I still read all the comments, I just never get the time to write back. It bothers me because one of the reasons I kept writing was the fact that people were actually commenting on my posts and exchanged advises.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted an opinion or advice piece simply because I’m scared. These kind of posts take time and research, and because of that I get scared of screwing it up. I follow a guy on Youtube called Jonathan Fields, he has interview with people who have life advice to give, and also offer his own tips on living a ”good life”. On dear… I’m getting frozen again… Writing these kind of post really boost my anxiety , but the only way to conquer a fear is by facing it. So I will finish that post today and will publish it.

Jonathan Fields interviewed a writer called Gala Darling, and she talked about radical self love and self expression, she also talked about how she started blogging, it really inspired me. I really like writing and if I could do that for a living I would be delighted. The only problem is to overcome that fear of judgement, and even self expression. As I gained more followers, I felt the need to censor myself because of that desire of belonging but tonight I realized that the reasons I had all theses people reading me was because I was honest and vulnerable. So basically exposing myself to judgement made me successful, why am I so scared then ?

Fear is an unpleasant emotion induced by a threat perceived by living entities, which causes a change in brain and organ function and ultimately a change in behavior, such as running away, hiding or freezing. Fear may occur in response to a specific stimulus happening in the present, or to a future situation, which is perceived as risk to health or life, status, power, security, or in the case of humans wealth or anything held valuable. The fear response arises from the perception of danger leading to confrontation with or escape from /avoiding the threat (also known as the fight-or-flight response), which in extreme cases of fear (horror and terror) can be a freeze response or paralysis.Fear should be distinguished from, but is closely related to the emotion anxiety, which occurs as the result of threats which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable.

The threat of failing is unavoidable but what do I have to loose?  Blogging is just a hobby, and the worse that can happen is that people don’t read my blog or give me negative comments. But I should see that as opportunity for growth, specially because blogging has a therapeutic effect on me. One of my fears was that as was getting better, people wouldn’t relate to me anymore. I’m sometimes ashamed of feeling better. I’m the last person who should think that because my audience is based of truly empathetic people and most people who has been through mental illness would not wish that to their enemy. I think I can bring hope to the ones who can’t see the light anymore. This is probably very pretentious of mine, but I remember when I had bad nights, reading a post from someone who actually had a  good day made me feel a little better.

I’ve been abused, I hid it for 10 years, never dealt with it, pretended to have a normal life. My brain decided it needed a break, go diagnosed with depression, was put on sick leave, and I fell in a downward spiral. I self harmed, I was suicidal and removed myself from society. But treatment started kicking in, between the medication, psychotherapy and group therapy I started having hope that one day I would feel normal again. It’s when I started focusing on myself  and working on my self esteem that my recovery started. I’m still on medication, and I have my lows. But I don’t cut anymore and I sleep better, I also feel like myself now. I was about to write that I’ not scared of judgement but actually I am (as I told you in the beginning of the post). My first step on facing this fear is this post. I feel naked now as I’m telling you what has been in my heart for a while now… Because you deserve to know the truth.

It’s easy to maintain my blog by posting videos that I watch, because I love learning, but the primary purpose of the blog was to write, and express myself. I’ve been slacking and taking the easy way out, but I’ll do my best to write more. Not only because I feel like I owe it to you guy but also because I owe it to myself. I will still post stuff that I find interesting but I wont post for the sake of posting, If I don’t have anything to say I’ll just write, I don’t have anything to say.

I think Margaret Atwood is right. One of my pride is that I don’t edit my posts, because I want to maintain their authenticity but then again, why am I so scared of writing? Why do I get scared of being inspired? I think that the label of depression gave me some kind of security, but now that I feel better, I don’t have the write to complain or be passionate anymore. This is a crazy concept, I guess that being ”Normal” is crazier then being mentally ill. I’m going to practice self compassion, and praise myself for being honest and willing to be  rational about that fear. I leave you guys with that  quote from Nelson Mandela.

My baby wants to play

I’m too tired to play…I feel bad for being sick, but his joy lifts my mood.

Why Men Shouldn’t Wait To Have Babies

Interesting…