Monthly Archives: November 2013

Confessions of a Depressed Comic

ArtLion

Ugh, this guy. He makes me feel the feels. His words are those which I cannot as eloquently say, but wish I could. Stop the stigma!

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A well needed talk..

Today was overall a good day, better than yesterday. Rehab went well but going back home was kinda hard…I waited for the bus for ten minutes (reminder it’s freezing cold), when it finally came got on the bus took out my metro card then…RED No more tickets! I thought I had one left but I apparently used them all… fun times… I had no cash on me and the driver wouldn’t let me pay at the metro station so I had to get off the bus.Luckily enough he dropped me off in front of a shopping center so went inside and called a cab.I wanted to cry because I was in pain from the rehab exercises, I just wanted to go home and sleep. 

When I got home my sister came over and went to buy me food đŸ™‚ I think she fell in her own way that I needed some support. So we ate, watched show while cuddling…we played with Jack then me took a nap. When we woke up I tried to kick her out lol but she stayed and we watched Youtube videos for about an hour. (That’s why I couldn’t post, no privacy lol). Then my boyfriend came we talked about our days then I asked him why he didn’t come over yesterday…He told me that he was disturbed after reading my blog…I got upset because it was not easy to give him access to that part of my life and I was disappointed that he reacted by avoiding me. We talked a lot and he took the time to listen to me. I explained everything to him…how lonely I feel, how it’s easier to write and how people get uncomfortable when I talk about abuse. Afterward I felt relieved I shared things with him that I’ve been holding in for a long time. I’m happy we talked and I feel lucky to have someone in my life who cares about me enough to endure listening to me talking about my real emotions.

Now he’s sleeping, Jack is looking for some attention and I’m taking the time to read some blogs. Tomorrow I’m spending the day with M.. We’re going to look for bridesmaids dresses, they want to spend the whole day shopping so wish me luck. I don’t know how I’m gonna manage to do that…I’m trying to be there for her but I don’t know if I have the strength to last a whole day. My boyfriend is spending his day with M.’s fiancee they’re gonna look for tuxedos. He hates shopping so that should be fun! They’re going clubbing tomorrow night, I’m suppose to be at M.s with the other girls talking about wedding stuff. (Wedding overdose in the air). I really don’t get what guys who are in committed relationships go do at clubs. If they’re not planning on checking girls out and they don’t dance why don’t they just go to a bar, drink and have some good time. (Please explain the concept to me).Bottom line I might not be able to blog tomorrow at all… I’m gonna miss you guys.. so I’ll probably try too sneak for a quick post hahha.

I’m starting to get sleepy so goodnight my loves! 

 

Ruby Wax: What’s so funny about mental illness?

Diseases of the body garner sympathy, says comedian Ruby Wax — except those of the brain. Why is that? With dazzling energy and humor, Wax, diagnosed a decade ago with clinical depression, urges us to put an end to the stigma of mental illness.

Jack looking serious

Jack looking serious

He takes his modeling career seriously LOL đŸ™‚

Out of Daycare (rehab)

Today I was in a better mood going into rehab it made the day easier for me.  I played Mario Bro’s on the Wii sitting an exercise ball. It was pretty tiring, the sitting part of it… I did my best to enjoy it so hopefully I will start enjoying it soon. Then I spent some time on the computer playing memory games…Boring…. I thought the games where special, but they are just  random  games found on the internet.I exercises on the elliptical for 10 minutes…It was hard..I’m very out of shape, but I like exercising so I’m gonna try.

That’s all for today my loves! I don’t feel like writing right now.. Kisses 

On may way to rehab 2

Had to take a cab again, I hope I wont be late today. I’m in. A stable mood this morning so i’m going to try to stay positive. I took a warm shower, I feel clean and less tired. At least  I will get to paint lol. Lol yay Daycare! Hum… As I told you I wont be able to use my phone until 12 so I’ll update later.
Have a nice day my loves !

Stock in a corner

I haven’t seen my boyfriend since Sunday. I didn’t ask him to come hoping that he would actually miss be and come spend some time with me. I guess I’m the need one. I feel incredibly lonely right now… I had a very tough week and I’m trying to stay positive but I really feel like I’m alone in this fight. No one to talk to besides my computer screen. I need human presence, I need people to understand that I’m on the edge and although I’m very good at hiding my distress… I need help… I don’t know what to do anymore…

My mom told me today that she wont be able to help  me out financially if i quit my job. She was the one who pressured me to come home for the holidays and she knew that I would have to resign. She told me to stop worrying about money, and guess what I told her I bought my ticket and she asked me if I think it’s a good idea and asked me if I figured out how I was going to be able to pay my rent. Now I’m lost, I don’t know what to do, the ticket is  non refundable and my boyfriend will be leaving to, so if I stay I will be alone. If that happen I’m just gonna jump through my bedroom window ( I leave on the 4th floor and nobody would find be). I don’t think they know that I have a perfect suicide plan. My mom doesn’t think I’m sick for real. Her therapy for me is to go Home and live with her. Maybe the universe wants me there…I’m stock in a corner and I don’t know how to get out of it.I was suppose to go to target with A. tomorrow, just out of curiosity because they just opened in Montreal but she cancelled, I was disappointed but she had a good reason. Now she’s trying to figure out a way to go but I don’t feel like it anymore…

I want to make a hole and bury myself in it. Every time I try to be positive and try to built hope, everything crumbles around me and there is nothing I can do about it. I really wish I could work, I wish I had family in Canada to spend Christmas with but I don’t.Can you imagine me spending Christmas alone in my room when I’m the one who made my boyfriend travel for the holidays? The closest family I have in North America are in Florida and I would also have to quit.. Is it possible to take vacation from invalidity? I’m still going to try to ask them permission to go, hopefully it will be granted since technically I will just be missing four work days.

This morning I had hives, they were probably stress induced and I think I’m having them again.It’s the first time that happens to me, my stress level is probably higher than usual. I don’t feel anxious though, I feel defeated (Sorry my fellow American readers or anyone else who’s celebrating Thanksgiving in Canada it was in October).This morning the hives were on my hands now it’s on my face..Yay me! (I know I should stop scratching but I just can’t).I feel so down I don’t even feel like cutting..I feel like going to the hospital, maybe people would care for me there… I wouldn’t feel so alone…I’m trying to end this post on a positive note but I got nothing…

So goodnight my loves…Kisses

 

BrenĂ© Brown: Listening to shame

Here’s the second video, I hope you like it!

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability

That video helped me through tough time. What helps me the most when I’m depressed is to watch inspiring videos. Her honesty is refreshing. I’m going to post soon a second video of her that I like as well.

Jack sleeping

Jack sleeping

He always manages the find the most comfortable place to sleep. He doesn’t care if I’m planning to wear that coat tomorrow lol. I’m the one to blame lol oh well.. he looks so peaceful on it đŸ™‚