Monthly Archives: December 2013

What a week!

OMG I’m so tired! I haven’t blogged for ever! I haven’t had time to breathe since Christmas, I have a lot of socializing to do. Where do I start? The diner at my bf’s family on the 25th went well, I actually had 2 dinner parties that day so I was out from 2 pm to 12 am. The 26th my boyfriend wanted to go to Bob Sinclair, but before we had to go to a friend’s birthday party, so we went there around 10pm then we to Bob Sinclair around midnight, it was fun, the party ended at 10 Am. We stayed until 6 Am then I spent the day sleeping. I was sick the whole day!  First I thought I was hungover then I realized I did not drink that much the night before. I thought it was seafood allergies because I felt better when I took some benadryl, but it was Seroquel withdrawal! I went to my cousin’s wedding on Saturday, it was simple and beautiful, the music was very good also, there was an open bar, my boyfriend was tipsy. I didn’t touch any alcohol cause I was too scared to get sick again.

Yesterday we went to the beach! Finally! I was so happy! Not only the scenery was beautiful but bf and I got to enjoy some alone time. I had a very bad night though…I’m really considering going back on the Seroquel. My mood has been stable, but the nausea, the vomiting and the itching is hell. But I’m also tempted to hold on just one more day, hoping the symptoms will go away. Just took it. I can’t take it anymore I’ll go see  a doctor so he an get me off it properly. I’m gonna try to finish this post without falling asleep.

So far Haiti has been great. Except for my sister, she had one of he crisis yesterday, she broke a bottle of amaretto on purpose because she was mad. This will be subject of another post, when I will be less tired. I had two small panic attacks because I was in crowded  places but I managed to control them well. Bf has been a charm this pass week, he’s really been there to support me and he makes me happy. He’d also been very patient and understanding with me, which is a huge help. It’s very hard to explain depression to my family so I simply don’t talk about it. I’ve been feeling better this week so I didn’t have to hide my feelings, people always like happy feelings.

I’m passing out, so I’m just gonna publish it like that. I hope you guys are well, I hope I’ll find time tomorrow to write because I have a lot to tell you!

Kisses

Merry Christmas!

Today I woke up at 9 AM. I didn’t take my seroquel the night before. I think I’m gonna go off it. I’m not sure it’s a good idea though. Spent the day leaning the house with my mom, we had so many lights to hang! My mom loves Christmas, so her good mood rubbed off on me. I’m suppose to go to a family dinner with bf…I think I’m minutes away from freaking out. It’s the first time I’m gonna meet his god father, and his other cousins…The mom already dislike me so…It’s not looking so good.

I have no idea what to wear, they said it’s casual, but I’m scared to be judge if I’m under dressed. I should not be scared though, they don’t define my worth, I’m pretty, I’m educated and I have good manners, if they find something to criticize on, it will be their problem! It’s very hard to conjugate between to different cultures. I don’t wanna shock anybody but I have to stay true to myself, I am an independent young lady and I should not be ashamed about that. I know they are gonna be shocked that I’m leaving my bf alone for six months, I’m not being a proper girlfriend from their point of view. Oh dear.. I think I’m gonna have a couple of drinks before I go! (I know it’s not recommended to drink while on anti depressants) I’m making an exception tonight, and I wont take my Seroquel. 

My sister came from Canada today, I’m hoping that everything is gonna go smoothly and that she wont have any major crisis. The neighborhood is bombarded by fireworks, I’m scared of the sound but it’s so beautiful to watch! Their will be fireworks all night, I love it! It’s starting to feel like the holidays. I know it’s Christmas eve, I should’ve felt it way before….Okay….Anxiety is back…intensely! I’m going to be with bunch of people I don’t know…I better charge my phone! Goal of the night! Try not to cry! I have this bad habit to be sad and lonely when I’m surrounded with people one Christmas, and I tend to cry. I think my post is getting depressing.

I wanted to tell you guys merry Christmas! Thank you for being there for me. When I feel lonely I know I can count on my wordpress family. For those who are alone tonight, take the time to take care of yourself, take a warm bath, meditate,listen to some music, drink some hot chocolate. For those who will be faking to be happy around a bunch of people who don’t really care about you, give yourself a mini goal for the night. 

____________________________

I didn’t have time to post this blog entry, I had to go get ready then I went to my aunt’s. Obviously bf’s family called him a thousand time so we had to leave. Bf got mad, I started crying, he apologized, but my mood was already down. The diner at his godfather was okay…I stayed quiet most of the time. His mom was nice to me though…It helped a lot. Then we went to his best friend’s, I didn’t feel well so they gave me a room and I went to sleep. I felt like a party pooper but I guess it was better than staying around with a sad face. I got home at 7, drank my coffee. I’m about to go take a nap. I have two dinners today again. The socializing is getting to me, I’m extremely tired,  I need a break. I don’t think anybody will understand though. I wanna go to the beach soon, hopefully I’ll be able to get some rest there and some quality time with Bf. 

I hope you all are feeling good! Kisses! 

Another quote that makes me think…

“Many of us are returning from a long journey during which we were forced to search for things that were of no interest to us. Now we realize that they were false. But this return cannot be made without pain, because we have been away for a long time and feel that we are strangers in out own land. It will take some time to find the friends who also left, and the places where our roots and treasures lie. But this will happen.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Witch Of Portobello

getting some fresh air

getting some fresh air

The breeze make me wanna sleep. I think i’m gonna take a nap.

Decorating

Day 2 in Haiti! I woke up at 2PM a. Whole bunch of miss calls was waiting for me. My mom had time to go out and come back. Bf was out too. I drank my coffee, ate breakfast and now we’re decorating. I don’t know what I’m gonna do for the rest of the day. My mom is cooking, she got us a maid for the month but I guess she gave her something else to do.

I think my two guy best friends are gonna force me out of my house. A. Got me a book called the Happiness project. Just started reading it, it seems very interesting. The author is Gretchen Rubin, let me know what you think about it if you read it.

I’m happy it’s not too hot, I’m outside, I have to go put snow flakes on a tree. I find it very ironic, a tropical christmas with snow flakes lol.

Food is ready! Eating on the table is not negotiable so i’ll post later!

Kisses!

 

HOMEEE!!!

 

I’m finally home! I’m so happy! And very tired. I haven’t slept in 2 days, between the excitement and everything I had to do before I leave. I landed at 9 AM this morning, when I got home I had to go back out to do the groceries with my mom. It was nice :). Then I went to see my grandfather. We got back home around 5 Pm, I took a nap for an hour and my mom knocked at my door, telling me somebody was asking for me. An old friend of mine came to see me. An hour later, one of my best guy friend came to pick me up!  I had no choice but to go. I was very anxious to see so many people, but my mom helped him force me out of the house. It was nice to see my friends, and my friend’s parents.I came home early though I was tired and bored, I wasn’t really feeling the vibe, mostly because my best friend’s girlfriend was there and I know she hates me, so I couldn’t be myself around him. I think we’re gonna see each other tomorrow and chill. 

Since I arrived, I’ve had 5 people telling me I gained weight. Like I didn’t realize it. It hurt less today,probably because I felt pretty and I think I’m starting to be comfortable with myself. I have a plan to loose weight, and I will do it my way, in my own time. I think psychotherapy has done a lot for me. Before I left my psychologist gave me queues about how to deal with people in these kind of situation. How to remove myself politely, just change subject etc. In Haiti everybody think they are qualified dietitians.I was happy to see how good the country looked though, the progress I’ve seen between last year and now is remarkable.I really hope it continues like that. 

I’m going to sleep now. I am drained. I will try to post one a day,or once every two days. I miss Jack!

Kisses.

Busy

I’m getting ready to travel. I’ve been very busy. I found a renter. I’ve been running around all day, now I have to pack I’m taking a 10 minutes break so I wanted to let you guys know that I’m still Okay. I’ve been busy, but in a good mood. I probably wont be posting before Monday.

 

Have a nice weekend! Kisses 

Suicide & A Safety Plan –

This is a very important video. I had a safety plan with my psychologist and it really helped. I signed a contract promising that I wont hurt myself before contacting a list of people. It didn’t really help with my self harm, but it really helped for suicide. I think just the thought of breaking a contract discouraged me. Recognizing my triggers really helped too. I admitted myself in a hospital once because I felt like I was loosing control and I couldn’t reach my boyfriend. I did not like the experience but at least I was safe. I just spent the night there, saw a psychiatrist in the morning than my boyfriend came to pick me up.So if you feel like you are loosing control, please admit yourself! It’s better to admit yourself than getting admitted by force because you get to choose when you can go home.I didn’t want to go home though, I was scared. I asked my boyfriend to spend the week with me and it really helped. I know it’s not easy to find someone to be there for you, for those who live alone I would suggest that you get a pet. I lowers the feeling of loneliness. Also, Jack for example knows when I’m sad, he comes to me, smells my tears, then sometimes he just stays in front of me and stares at me, or he go find one of his toys and try to make me play. Sometimes all you need is a couple minute of distraction from your dark thoughts to take back control of your mind. Now I remember, because I haven’t used it for a couple of months, there’s a website called suicide project. It’s not one of these websites where you get a lecture of how suicide is wrong and that you should be grateful to be alive. People with suicidal thoughts just go there, write about how they feel, their intentions, and others helped them. What I likes about it was that everybody was messed up, so there was no judgment. During my dark times, I would spend the night just trying to keep other people from killing themselves, and sometimes I would write. One day it occurred to me: why don’t I have hope for myself? I’m trying to give hope to others and I genuinely believe that they can get better. Why don,t I do the same for myself.Helping others is my calling, when I do it I feel like I matter, like I’m not consuming the earth’s resources pointlessly. For you it could be something else, you don’t have to look very far,find something you enjoy doing instinctively.And when you feel like giving up, go do it…It might give you a little taste of life.
Wow I didn’t plan on writing that much! Anyways, Stay Strong my loves.

What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a psychotherapeutic approach that addresses dysfunctional emotions, maladaptive behaviors and cognitive processes and contents through a number of goal-oriented, explicit systematic procedures. The name refers to behavior therapy, cognitive therapy, and to therapy based upon a combination of basic behavioral and cognitive principles and research. Most therapists working with patients dealing with anxiety and depression use a blend of cognitive and behavioral therapy. This technique acknowledges that there may be behaviors that cannot be controlled through rational thought. CBT is “problem focused” (undertaken for specific problems) and “action oriented” (therapist tries to assist the client in selecting specific strategies to help address those problems).

What is Bi-Polar Disorder?

I’m always confused about the different kind of Bipolar disorders. I really like how she explains it. Very easy to understand!