Love, rape and sex– confronting the dark places on the journey :

This one was a hard one for me to watch….but I could not stop…The speaker is an artist so she made the subject lighter…let me know what you think about it, I was skeptical about posting it.

Sex: Mind full or Mindful?: Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus

Today I’m going to watch Ted Talks about Sexuality and mindfulness an I’m posting the ones that are worth watching.

We don’t talk about the complexity of sexuality. What happens when we don’t talk about it is that sexuality ends up on the shadows, and that is where we have shame embarrassment, exploitation, abuse, and fear.” – Jennifer Gunsaullus

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box. She uses a mindfulness-based and strengths-based approach in her work and integrates a holistic perspective to get to the core of concerns

What was the name of the drug dealer that got killed who lived in our neighborhood again?

I thought I posted this 3 days ago but I found it in my draft bin it’s still relevant so I’m posting it.

This is the question my sister just asked me…I thought I’d share… I gave her 3 different names and it wasn’t the one she was looking for. That’s our concept of what a candid conversation is suppose to be… But then I was like wait? Is that normal? I remember feeling that I lived in a safe neighborhood because it was gated and a lot of drug dealers lived there and everybody had guns. I remember getting mad when they arrested one of the last ones that were alive, the biggest because we would not see big fireworks on Christmas and New Years and because the neighborhood would be less safe. Until today, I feel it normal to own guns for our protection over there. In my head here’s how it goes when you move into a house :

-Hey honey we have to order the furniture and the guns, we’re moving in a week remember?

I’m exaggerating but I realized that I have a tendency to banalize violence and insecurity. You guys are probably horrified by what i’m saying right now but don’t. I don’t know if I’m dissociating right now but drug dealers getting killed is something normal to me. It’s like when someone got kidnapped usually when they tell me that the next question I ask is how much did they ask? Thank god now there is way less violence then there use to be while I was living there, which makes me feel safer. I still have to follow the basic security measures that I’ve known all my life: Lock your doors when you get into a car, don’t lower your backseat windows too low if there’s nobody sitting there, always look around if there are not random guys on a pick up truck,take the main roads at night, two cars is always better than one at night, make sure nobody followed you before opening the gates to your house. When I’m reading this it seems like being paranoid but it has became natural to me.

There’s one I follow here that’s a little crazy, if a car slows down besides me while I’m walking, specially on an empty street I distance myself from it and I prepare myself to run. Oh I don’t walk by vans and I’m extremely scared of popping balloons. I check if there are people following me while I walk.(Is that PTSD?) Oh god I should print my blog for my psychologist. Maybe my psychiatrist too… Until now I never really thought about these behaviors as odd.Hum Interesting.

So let’s end that post in a lighter note because I’m in a good mood and I don’t want to freak you guys out about what I told you. Yesterday I forgot to tell you, or maybe I did, I made myself dinner yesterday ! (Small victory 🙂 ) And I just took a nice shower while listening to some music! I feel so clean! I should do that more often! And I’m about to give myself a foot massage while watching a Tv show :).

Good night my loves ! I hope tomorrow is better for all of us! I love you all! Kisses ! And Hugs! and Kisses! And Hugs (don’t worry I’m clean 🙂 )

I had a black dog, his name was depression

I have a problem with using the metaphor of a dog…since you know how much I love dogs. But the video is very well made and I think it will be able to help fight the stigma and make the world. I was produced by the World Health Organisation. Let’s help them spread the word! Please share this video as much as you can and hopefully this awareness campaign will help our cause!

Another award!

I feel special and blessed to receive this award from Joynpain2! Thank you so much! You are in my WordPress Family too! I’m getting emotional over this one because it means a lot to me. The support I have gotten from my online family is priceless. I truly enjoy blogging and it gave me a sense of purpose when I didn’t feel like my life was worth living.

  This award was created by Shaun at Looking For Reasoning to A Complicated World. Here are Shaun’s words about the award:

This is why I created the Award:

This is an award for everyone who is part of the “Word Press Family” I start this award on the basis that the WordPress family has taken me in, and showed me love and a caring side only WordPress can. The way people take a second to be nice, to answer a question and not make things a competition amazes me here. I know I have been given many awards, but I wanted to leave my own legacy on here by creating my own award, as many have done before. This represents “Family” we never meet, but are there for us as family. It is my honour to start this award. Thank you, Shaun @ http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/

Rules:

1. Display the award logo on your blog.

2. Link back to the person who nominated you.

3. Nominate 10 others you see as having an impact on your wordpress experience and family

4. Let your 10 Family members know you have awarded them

5. That is it. Just please pick 10 people that have taken you as  a friend, and spread the love

So my nominees are (I don’t think I have 10): 

• http://liljessiesblog.wordpress.com/ (Bonny is my twin sister, in my imaginary word) 
• http://sittingonmyownsofa.com/  (My pessimistic but protective mother)
• http://ragamuffinsaint.wordpress.com/ (Dan..My annoying big brother) 
• http://amethystcoloredglasses.wordpress.com/ (My funny and creative older cousin)
• http://journalthroughdepression.wordpress.com/ (My optimistic and positive cousin)
• http://beerhugsandicecream.wordpress.com/ (My wise older sister who likes beer)

I love you guys! Thanks for always being there for me and taking the time to write long comments on my post! Joynpain2, Thank you again, you are officially my aunt ;).

 

Great day! And the most comfortable dog ever!

Hey My loves! Today was definitely a great day! I felt like myself again!  Being positive and mindful is really helping.First I would like to think Joynpain2 for nominating me for another award! It made my day! I just can’t stop smiling. 

I have to tell you first that the reason I’m exited is the fact that I will be able to get out of my house in shorts in two weeks. (Holiday travels). Spending Christmas with my family is priceless. Being away from them for long periods of time make me even miss the drama. I’m closer to my biological dad’s side of the family and they are the most laid back people I know. When I’m with them it’s all laughter and food. And cuddles, they get annoying sometimes but I can just go home when I’m tired of them. All my dad’s siblings live in the same lot. There are two houses one is my uncle’s family and the other my aunt’s my dad moved to my aunt’s house because my sisters and my step mother are in the US and  most of my other cousins live in North America. It’s always fun to see all my family at the same time. Now I have two little cousins( I say my nieces), I will never get bored.

You all already know the second reason, I FEEL FREE! I no longer care about what my job thinks.No more paranoia! I use to think that they might be following me, so I would be careful about where I shop or how I act while I’m out of my house. (I got that paranoid because they cut my pay last time because I traveled to go to my godfather’s funeral and they said I was fit for work if I could plan a trip….Like I actually planned for my godfather to die!). Then they spent 3 months without paying me because they were doing background checks on me. (We later found out,after I took a lawyer and requested the files that the search was completely unnecessary). When they finally started paying me again, 2 weeks later they requested that I go to rehab. I think I’ve had enough…My ties to my jobs were actually worsening my depression. The amount of energy it took me to fight these people is incredible, I didn’t have time to work on myself.Anyways I’m FREE NOW ! 🙂 :). I’m just waiting for them to decide when they’re sending me my last check.

So now my day! I woke up around 9 AM, Can you believe it people? 9 AM! Usually I don’t wake up before 12. I had breakfast and watched Say Yes to the Dress until twelve. Then my bf came back and we basically spent our day laughing and talking. I remembered how much I talk! I talk a lot! I think you guys already have figured that out by my writing but I’ve been talking way less since I’ve been depressed.Where was I? Yeah..We finished watching The Hobbit (He passed out last night as predicted cf. yesterday’s post) while I was cooking. I haven’t enjoyed cooking for a long time and today I actually did. I was suppose to make minute rice,, but I made vegetable rice with steak and mac and cheese. Not the normal mac and cheese, on with a delicious Bechamel sauce I made from scratch and I used cream instead of milk. I’m proud of myself and I enjoyed eating on a table and having a proper Sunday dinner.(I’ve been living out of take out for the last two months.) 

Now I’m by myself and enjoying it. I was a little sad to see bf leave but now I get to blog and play with Jack. (He’s sleeping now) I’ll wait for him to wake up although he played a lot today he might be tired. Tonight I’m gonna meditate again, I did not do it last night and I had my usual nightmares. My boyfriend was with me so I felt safer but tonight I’m alone. Another thing I’ve discovered (It was always there but I don’t think about that when I’m depressed.) watching very funny television show forces me to laugh and therefore I get in a good mood. I’ts pretty simple 🙂 Try it! You’ll like it, I promise! I hope you all had a good weekend, I didn’t have time to read other blogs…So I wish you well…stay positive and mindful! 

Kisses,