I miss him

In that picture he was about ton invite himself to the bathroom LOL…I miss my shadow!

Bye 2013-Hi 2014

I can’t t really evaluate the year 2013 as a whole because it came right in the middle of my recovery. My real year started in October when I got diagnosed with depression. From this moment on, my life changed drastically. I was put on sick leave because I could barely function, I was extremely suicidal, I event wrote my last will and researched funeral arrangements. The only piece that was missing on my plan was finding an effective way to kill myself. It was the hardest part, if you have had suicidal thoughts before you probably know that it’s nearly impossible to die without inflicting pain on yourself, worse, there is a high possibility that you fail and have to live with the consequences. This realization sucked! In November I finally told my mom about my dad, and she left him immediately. That moment marked the beginning of my recovery journey.

My mom came to spend the holidays with me in Canada, in  December so my year 2013 actually started well. Until…January 12th 2013. If you guys don’t know, January 12th is the anniversary of the earthquake in Haiti. My good friend E. died also on that day, he was in Florida, safe from the earthquake but that didn’t prevent him from passing away. He died from natural causes…So, because the universe likes to give us things in bundle, while I was crying, remembering E. on January 12th 2013, I received a text message from my sister, my godfather died from an hearth attack. That was one of the hardest losses of my life. I had to go to Haiti for his funerals, when I came back another bundle of bad news was waiting for me. First I learnt that my job cut my insurance because I left the country, then I found out I was pregnant. Pregnant, depressed with no salary, at that time my boyfriend was still smoking weed. It was the worse situation I could be in. I had to take the hard decision to end the pregnancy. I don’t have any moral regrets pertaining to the abortion, because I caught it very early (I use to take random pregnancy tests even though I was on the pills) I was only two days late and I got an appointment on the next week. I was also the best decision to take at the moment, being in the mental state that I was with no support (my boyfriend didn’t want me to go on with the pregnancy until I actually told him I was going to get an abortion.). I first decided to keep the baby, but it was not for the right reasons, I just wanted to have someone whom would love me unconditionally. I also wanted to be pregnant so people stop expecting me to be perfect, but would it be fair to a kid? I assume my decision but it was not easy, I would not wish that on anyone. I felt like a part of me was taken away from me. I did not get a lot of support from my boyfriend and I ended up resenting him. I think I’ve forgiven him now but it still hurts. Sometimes I wonder how my life would be like if I had went through with the pregnancy and I get sad. Sometimes I feel like I want a baby, but I’m not ready yet, the next time I will get pregnant it will be a very happy experience.

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I passed out writing this! So Happy New Year!! Just woke up. At midnight I felt like the neighborhood was having a fireworks contest, it was incredible! But I wanted to sleep so I was praying for it to stop. I was happy to hear them though, since the earthquake the holidays haven’t been the same. This year reminded me of the good old times.

January first in Haiti is Independence Day! So every year , in the morning we drink a sort of a pumpkin soup, called independence soup. I’m in the dining room right now, waiting for my mom to come back so we can heat it up and drink it! :). I have diner at my grandfather’s today, then we have to go to a friend’s house. I’m telling you, I’ve never seen so many different persons in my last year in Canada. Social anxiety is gone! I had to face to fear of being with people, being judged and feeling left out. None of that happened this week, I think mostly because I was more confident. I think I know now who I am and what I stand for. I think I’ve finally convinced myself that I’m likable. Everybody was happy to see me, I had long conversations with my friend’s parents. I’m not ashamed anymore that I enjoy the company of older people more than my peer’s.

I would like to wish to all you guys, to start being mindful, because it really helps. I’m not telling you to start meditating if you are not into it, but just try to be in the present, observe people’s actions with compassion. I felt like once I have accepted that I had the right to be mad at certain situations but that staying angry would only make me feel worse, being compassionate toward people who did me wrong got rid of all the negative energy I was nurturing.

My year 2014 did not start today. I started about a month ago when I decided to be more forgiving toward myself. I’m quick to forgive others, but I hold myself to higher standards and sometimes I forget that I’m only human. It’s not easy, to maintain inner peace, it’s a daily battle, but it becomes more and more natural as the days pass. I’ve learned to let go of the past, and accept that people make mistakes and they judge you simply because they don’t know better. I always try to stay true to myself, I believe that kindness conquers all and it has worked for me so far. In the past week the tension and awkwardness between one of my oldest friend and I has finally be released. She was nice to me, so I started being nice to her too, now we actually enjoy each other’s company again. We kept on holding on to grudges from 10 years ago when we were both kids. Now we have grown and I realized that there is no need to have unnecessary enemies.

I’m also back in good terms with my in-laws, and I’m very happy about that. I care about my relationships with others, and it was very important for me to have them on our side. They probably won’t agree that we’re going to move in together but at least I know they don’t have anything personal against me. Where is my mom????? I want soup!!!!!!

I don’t know if I told you that already but I’m reading the happiness project, it’s a very good book. I need to find more time to read, every time I start reading it, I’m in my bed, and I end up falling asleep. I’m still depressed , so it still takes me extra energy just to have a full day. Since I don’t really have a choice, when I finally get to rest, I pass out. I think my mom is happy to have me with her. I think she saw my scars, I hope she doesn’t ask me what they are because I would get the lecture of my life, and guess what would happen then?

I have no new year’s resolutions, simply because I have take my resolutions already and I’ve been following them. I have to keep going through my bucket list, read my books, keeps my nails away from my mouth and eat healthy. Travelling and quitting my job was the best decision I’ve made so far. I can focus on myself and try to reach a healthy mind and a healthy body. My relationship with my boyfriend have never been better. I think that the fact that I’m not asking him for too much is helping. When he’s back to Canada he will have time to take care of himself, and be more independent.

Mom is back! I’ll post later! Kisses! Happy New Year!