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Cravings. blogging and life

The past 2 weeks have not been easy for me in term of dieting. I try to cook the most I can, but sometimes I’m to tired to cook or go to the groceries to buy more vegetable and we end up ordering. I lost .4 pounds this week, but it’s not enough. I should loose 1 to 2 pounds a week. Last week was very hard for me emotionally, I don’t know what’s going on with me, but my mood has been going down and my anxiety up. Thank god I I have WordPress to help me through the day. I’m going to Haiti in the next 2 weeks, I should feel better there. It’s spring though! I usually love spring, but I think my limited resources discourage me from getting out of the apartment.

My relationship with BF is steady, steady good. It helps me a lot because it’s one less thing I have to worry about. I think I’m getting tired of living with his sister though. She is nice and spontaneous, but he spontaneity turns often into irresponsibility and it annoys the crap out of me. Her life is not my business so I try my best not to care too much and get frustrated with her. My psychologist told me that I can’t be everybody’s superhero and some people don’t want help and are perfectly satisfied with where they are. Since I’ve been trying not to judge others, I take it with humility and compassion. I have accepted that each of us has his own rhythm and I can’t fore anybody to grow up.

I’m happy that I’m making my blog look more professional and organized. I’m an overachiever and I don’t think that’s gonna change, and I absolutely love doing it, mind as well use my talents in something I like. I’ve been thinking about buying a domain so I can have my own website, but I’m scared to loose my followers and to loose my passion for blogging if it becomes a job. I would also have to generate revenue out of it. Although it would be great to do that for a living! No need to go to the prison called office, working only for money. I guess I gave to do some more research to know how I can do it.

I’m also scared about loosing my anonymity, I share secrets on my blog that might affect other people I love. If my name gets out it might be devastating to them. I seem to have a gift for blogging, and I don’t want to loose greengrowsdark, you guys made me and this virtual community has helped me with too much, to leave like that. So do I do a greengrowsdark dot something, or do I create a new website with another name? What do you think? My blog’s name is weird but I love it. Its meaning is very complicated, the name came up to me while I was watching a documentary on being vegan and the green movement, I got all exited, decided to become vegetarian, then I watch another documentary talking about the dark sides of the green movements and how we grow vegetables. I consider plants as living organisms as well as animals, it would take me a whole other post to explain my point of view.

I really likes how green, which is suppose to good, can turn into something very bad. We are all filled with contradictions, and nothing is black or white. What we perceive as good could represent the devil for others. Is my explanation of greengrowsdark good enough? I have no idea, I’ll keep you updated. I just realized that it’s been 6 months since I first blogged, I have nearly 600 followers now and I’ve published more then 500 post! Not all of them are original of course, I don’t think I could write that much, but it’s still a lot. If I do create that website I’ll have to be more narrow in my subjects though… I don’t know if I can do that, I like to talk about so many different things. I have being fitted into a box. Oh well, there’s no rush. Let me know what you think!

 

Kisses!

 

 

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Why Smart People Are More Trusting

 

 

Well deserved lazy day!

Today I did absolutely nothing! I was very tired from Friday and Saturday and my energy went down. I started to get irritable and sad but I went and took a nap. I felt bad because I could not handle a complete weekend but my boyfriend reassured me and told me that I did more than enough for the weekend. When I think about it we actually enjoyed each other, something that hasn’t happened in a long time. He also told me that I have to start being so hard on myself. He was right.

We are our own worse enemies when it comes to judgments and we tend to stigmatize ourselves.I’m still very tired and my mood is quite low but it’s okay because I have managed to be happy for two days so I’m gonna try to focus on that. I’m not very inspired today and I have no idea how I’m gonna finish this post, I just know that it has to me more then 3 paragraphs or its not worth posting. Let me talk about Jack then… Poor baby is bored… I don’t feel the strength to go walk him or even play with him today. He’s exited and I’m sure he’s gonna wake me up at 3 AM if I’m sleeping and start running everywhere ….

…He managed to convince me so we played hide and seek for a couple of minutes and now I’m back. It felt good! just seeing him happy changes my mood! I guess it’s almost like having kids..minus the talking.So tomorrow is D day ! I’m going to try to eat healthy…amethystcoloredglasses,DissociativeBonny and  depressedbuthopeful I hope you guys are with me ! I’m also gonna try do follow the schedule my first psychologist gave me : everyday I have to do some physical exercise, do some housework and do something I actually enjoy doing. depressedbuthopeful is already doing something like that others are welcome to joint in. 

My plan for the “diet” is to eat the most vegetable and fruits possible and reduce and hopefully eliminate meat (until the holidays Lol). I’m not giving up coffee but I’m going to try to eliminate bread and other starches. So tomorrow I will be posting my weight and measurements (how embarrassing but you don’t know me so who cares! hehe). I’m going to miss Coca Cola and peanut butter sniff… 

So my loves , pray for me… whatever your god is…that healthy living will help my mind. Sometimes I wish I had faith in a mighty god who could just solve all my problems but I don’t. (Tricky subject here). Let me just put it out there I don’t believe in religion what so ever because I think it’s been the cause of too many hate in the word but I’m not an atheist, maybe I’m a theist or just spiritual I don’t know. I don’t like labels anyways. Technically I was born and raise catholic but that’s not really true my step father is a christian and I use to go to church with him (oh irony), my  biological father is an  atheist and my mom just didn’t go to church until a couple years ago. She is now a devoted catholic and I still can believe it. I have acquaintances and friends from many different background and  I respect and consider lucky people who have faith in their life. As long as you don’t judge other religions or try to convert me I’m good with you. 

I think that was enough philosophy for the night. So lesson of the day : Stop being so hard on yourself! 

 

Secrets

 

 

I was watching this video and all  i could think about was how I’ve became an expert in hiding my secrets. I’ve hidden my biggest secret for 10 years and the reason I finally shared it was because I was in a life of death situation. I don’t know if any of you had that feeling before, having to choose between your life and somebody else’s well-being.I might sound dramatic but it was how I felt at that moment.

I was contemplating suicide, I had a plan, my last will was written, my papers where in order and I everybody I loved had a  goodbye letter. I could not handle the pain and the loneliness of keeping that secret. I thought I could protect my family by being strong and leaving them in the dark but I later realized that I was lying to myself.

It was a Saturday, I hadn’t slept for a week now…every time I closed my eyes I had vivid nightmares, I could not breath well, I could not get out of bed, I couldn’t even shower. All I could think about was how to kill myself successfully. My sister lived with me at the time so I had to find the perfect moment to do it so she couldn’t save me. My death would solve everything. Another part of me wanted to live, it was telling me that all I had to do was to tell my mom. I knew she would believe me, I knew she would support me but I didn’t want her to get another divorce. I didn’t want my sister to be without a dad. I was scared my mom would end up in prison for killing him (she has a bad temper).

In the afternoon I was talking to my mom and she was asking me why I was depressed. She started telling me how I was lucky to have a good job, a boyfriend, plenty of friends and two dad who adored me. That’s where I flipped! I couldn’t stand my mom defending a man she didn’t know. Being so happy that her husband considered me as his daughter. I was tired of listening to people telling me how lucky I was. I was tired of hiding that my step dad , who raised me as his own daughter sexually abused me.

My mom is very persistent and finally I spilled the bean. She called me right away, called me down, told me not to worry that she was going to take care of it. The morning after she called me and told me that she kicked him out of the house. I felt kind of relieved, first because she didn’t kill him, second because she believed me and made me feel like I actually saved her life. She came to Canada and we had long nights of discussions and I realized that she was also in an abusive relationship and that she stayed with him to protect us.

My sister doesn’t know about her dad and we can’t really do anything legally without ruining my sisters reputation even though she has nothing to do with her. That’s what happens when you live in a patriarchal society. Even my mom’s family asked her what she did to my dad. He was such a good man, why wasn’t she more understanding and stayed with him. The official story of the divorce is that my  dad was having an affair with my maid (she’s been with us for 10 years), which was true but that a whole different blog entry. But they thought my mom should forgive him.. he’s a guy… you know… they’re like that. Its such a shame for man that society consider them as animals without self control, the same societies that praise them as superior beings.

So that was my biggest secret, my biological dad still doesn’t know what happened to me. My mom doesn’t want me to tell people because I might turn into a nightmare for my sister and I  but hiding that from my sister, even though I know I’m somehow protecting her doesn’t feel right. Having my biological dad telling me to snap out of the depression when he has no idea of what had happened to me growing up is very frustrating. I’m still mad at my parents for not being there to protect me, I understand that my mom had to work to take care of me (there’s no child support where I’m from)  but my dad let another man do his job for him…. a little too well.

I still have secrets… My mom doesn’t know that I cut or that I’m suicidal, she doesn’t know about the night I spent at the psychiatric emergency. I have to hide it from her because if she knows she will come to Canada drag my butt back home and have me under surveillance 24/7. I’m not blowing it out of proportion that’s how she is, she has very strong reactions when it comes to my sister and I. Two years ago I got very sick and I was in an out of the hospital, she sent my dad to get me in Canada (she didn’t know then it was a very bad idea). I ended up spending 6 months over there, I had tennis practice six times a week, I had to follow an healthy diet take care of myself. I’m not complaining because it was just what I needed but this time I want to get better by myself.

I’m still struggling with showing my vulnerable side but I’m getting there. I’ve learned that the only way to live a full life is to be honest with yourself and the people around you. It’s not very easy because you will have to face criticism and judgement but once you know who you are and what you stand for, you will be able to preserve your integrity and  surmount  the obstacles that will come  your way.

 

I am very smart deal with it !

I know its almost 2 AM and I’m not sleeping yet. Who cares? I’m more inspired at night.

So I want to talk about something that has troubled me all my life. Why should I feel ashamed that I have an high intelligence?

I got into college at 16 and try to hide it when I meet new people. Why? Because once they know that they start judging, they take everything I say as a threat or as a demonstration of my  knowledge. Let’s be clear about some points :

  1. You cannot measure intelligence by how much a person know. It’s called culture.
  2. I’m not trying to show off when I say I like to do a lot of research its true. It’s called curiosity
  3. I don’t think I’m smarter than everyone.  I can process information faster than average and I have  good auditory memory its a gift. But my visual memory and my practical aptitudes are well bellow normal.
  4. I don’t think I’m better than everyone else. Sometime I wished I was what people called normal,  my life would’ve been easier
  5. Don’t try to fit me in a box! A person can both  a scientist and a artist. (Just learnt that)
  6. People choose to be ignorant, you cannot blame me for choosing the path of knowledge (its never to late to start learning)
  7. I’m tired feeling guilty of wining an argument ( political, social etc ) against a Man or someone older. I think i have the right to express my opinion
  8. I can be a Woman be smart, have a family and be pretty AT THE SAME TIME 
  9. IQ is not the only way to define intelligence.The human brain possess far more facets than this simplistic definition. It’s about exploiting one’s strength
  10.  And yes sometimes I challenge people just for argument sake. I formulate theories quite easily and nothing makes me happier than someone refuting my theories or at least question it. The more we discuss the more we learn.

I feel lighter now 🙂

Please stop labeling others. Humans are complex animals full of contradictions. Everything is not black in white, not even in science. There is no such thing as a straight line or a perfect circle. Stop simplifying things ans dig a little deeper… IT WONT HURT YOUR BRAIN!

Perception

Monday 11:30 : Woke up, drank my coffee , ate some sugar pie (I know very unhealthy). I’m still a little light headed from my sleeping pills but i’m feeling much better. 

The sun is shining, my dog is awake i can still hear the silence around me but I’m not panicking. Yesterday night I realized how a simple phrase, a couple of words can help. So I’d like to thank the people who commented on my entry yesterday, because It made my loneliness go away, and reminded me of why I believe that humans are intrinsically good.

Everybody have their own battle and thinking that yours is more important than other’s is a big mistake. We cannot measure people’s problem by the gravity of events that happen to them. We need to focus more on how much these events have affected the person. The underlined causes of a person’s reaction are often forgotten even by the subject himself. Simple incidents like a random guy telling a girl she looks good can make girls react in two different  ways. One girl can see her self  estime go up while the other one can burst into tears. Why such different reactions to the same event?  

The first girl probably had what we can call a normal relationship with the other gender, she had probably been influenced by her environment where beauty plays a big part of a women’s self worth (Believe it or not it’s still true till theses days).The other young lady might have been abused and feels ashamed of her look. She might also interpret any male attention toward her as an aggression.  Can we say that the first girl is more sane or stable than the second one? 

Absolutely not! If the first girl evaluate all her worth from what men think of her body and the most important goal in her life is to find a husband. Later in life, when she looses her physical beauty she might also fall into depression. The one who have been abused might have learnt to focus on other part of her life to find self satisfaction. 

My point is that one’s perception can be flawed by another person’s reaction to an event. And it’s our duty to reserve judgement toward others. Normality is relative. At the pace that our world is going, it’s becoming even more difficult to get a full picture of someone else’s life. We simply don’t have time. 

Should we make time? Probably, but in the mean time let’s just take people as they are and remember that we are not better or worse..just different.

Social events

Today I’m going to a party, as you already know I often feel lonely when I’m in a group. I know everyone who’s going, I don’t have much respect for them and consider them as shallow. But I’m still scared out off my mind not being able to be like them. 

I suffer from depression and I’m on a lot of meds, so no alcohol for me… I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke. So I will have to endure the party fully aware of my surrounding. Since I have to go I’m gonna make the best of it and take the guests as my rat labs.. (I know I should be nicer). We”re gonna play that hypocritical game called: I’m so happy to see you where have you been? 

The answer is simple: out of facebook, you have my phone number some of you have my email, if you really wanted to see me you could have called or text. 

The answer I will give is that : oh… yeah it’s been a while… you know.. everybody’s busy(i’m not busy at all you were just not important enough for me to find a way to see you) .. and I’m back to school( I only have one class, I have plenty of time.). I would then add my fake smile and ask them about their life (meaning get off my back you don’t want the real answer anyway, let me listen to you talking about yourself). 

Nobody really wants to know how people they see rarely are doing. If I started telling them how shitty my year have been, they would not really care. Why still pretend that because we are facebook friends we should act like best friend. I have a small group of friends, I cant call them a group , since most of them are loners and they don’t know each other. But they know me for who I am, and I care about them and would fight teeth and bones to protect them. That’s what friendship is. People who can listen to you complaining for hours and be there. People who will also have the guts to tell you to shut up and start taking actions to solve your problems. 

I don’t know if it’s the depression or if its just me.. I think it’s just me … but I have a really hard time wearing a social mask and talking about subjects I have no interest on. Does it make me obnoxious? Probably, but frankly I don’t care anymore. I’m doing my best not to get affected by other peoples judgement. (not really working). So I’m going to put on that mask be on my best behavior and you’ll probably hear from me after the party.