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J for Joy

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This is what happiness looks like!

Because our brains are more complicated then Jack’s it’s very hard to attain “Jack’s Happiness”. But we can collect little moments of Joy. Here are my favorite moments of joy.

1) Playing or cuddling with Jack: Jack is always happy! When he runs around and gives me kisses, there’s nothing better to make me feel loved and happy.

2) Quality time with my boyfriend: When I’m with him I feel good and safe. We are very good friends so we laugh all the time, I spend my weeks waiting for the weekend so we can spend more time together

3) Cooking: I hate cooking for myself. But when I cook for other people I put my heart into it and I create new recipes.

4) Dates with one of my girlfriends: I’m not very good with groups, but spending time with just one of my friends is satisfying.

5) Skyping with my best friend : This is one of my favorite moments of joy. It happens very rarely, because it’s hard to find a good moment for us to talk in private. I love her to death, she was my only true friend at school, and she loved me as I was. When I talk to her, I can be completely myself and we just get each other.

 

Do you have Joyful moments? What are they?

 

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Bucket list #92- Write a list of 101 things I’ve already achieved

Since I’ve realized that I won’t sleep anytime soon, I figured why not complete one of my bucket list task. So here we go!

  1. I graduated high school
  2. I graduated college
  3. I’m in a stable relationship
  4. I’ve learned how to cook
  5. I have a blog that I love
  6. I’ve created a solid  support system
  7. I own a pet
  8. I took tennis lessons
  9. I took swimming lessons
  10. I’m a FLMI (Insurance title)
  11. I survived depression
  12. I’ve been a mentor
  13. I’ve quit a job after one week with no regrets
  14. I’ve learned to accept myself for who I am
  15. I’ve learned to present myself with confidence
  16. I’m not ashamed of my body anymore
  17. I’ve discovered my passion for writing
  18. I’ve decided that I want to be a psychologist
  19. I’ve learned how to speak in public
  20. I’ve learned to live mindfully
  21. I’m not ashamed anymore that I like to learn
  22. I’m not ashamed to be different
  23. I’ve shared my deepest secret ——–OMG its getting hard
  24. I’m more spiritual
  25. I’m on a journey of self improvement
  26. I’ve skipped grades
  27. I graduated on top of my class
  28. I went to Ecuador
  29. I speak English fluently
  30. I’ve gotten better in Spanish
  31. I’m not scared to say what I think
  32. I’m not ashamed anymore to be an introvert
  33. I’ve come to terms with my sexuality
  34. I forgave
  35. I’m happy
  36. I’ve listened to more then a 100 TED talks
  37. I decided to live close to my family
  38. I decided to stop judging others
  39. I’ve created my happiness rules 
  40. I thought Bf how to swim
  41. I’m finally serious about loosing weight
  42. I created my bucket list
  43. I started my quote collection
  44. I cleaned up my friend list ——–I don’t know how I’m gonna make it to 101
  45. I don’t care about facebook anymore
  46. I now cut my Bf some slack
  47. I wear my natural hair
  48. I can do my own taxes

I”m done…. I guess I’ll do the rest another day… It’s a mood booster though! Have you ever tried to do that? How did you feel ?

 

Quick update

Hey my loves! 

i finally got time to read some of your blogs!! I realized how much can happen within a few weeks. Today was an okay day for me. I was kinda depressed but I was able to function. I spent the day with my little niece, she’s 9 months old and she’s adorable. That brought me joy :). Then my aunt came home and took me out to see her cousin. She’s actually fun to talk to and it felt good to get out of the house. I have an Interview on Tuesday, it’s a follow up interview, I hope I get it, because really need financial independence. My mom also bought my ticket to Canada and I’m happy about that. I feel like I’m going home! I guess I have 2 homes now. I’m so happy that immigration saga is over!

What else? My new friend P. is awesome (Was it P. I called him on my last post?). Its really refreshing to talk to someone who’s honest with himself and others. People see him as cold and antisocial but he’s actually a very sweet guy. He just doesn’t waste his time on unnecessary social theater (If I can call it like that). My boyfriend is not bothered by that new friendship and I’m happy about that. It means that he trusts me and understands my need to socialize more in a more secular way. I don’t groups very well. 

By the way do you guys really care about what I do during my days ? Should I write about them? Because I don’t find it interesting. Maybe it will be when I start working. I’ve been trying to explain to P. depression, and how it cannot be linked to just one particular event…and how it’s doesn’t have to be an immediate response to an event, that usually the events act as triggers and revive old wounds. It’s  concept very hard to grasp. Because he is extremely rational, he’s not good at understanding gray areas. He challenges my intelligence and I like that. He asks questions because not only because he’s curious (in a scientific manner) but because he cares.I never feel elements of judgments in his words and that’s a very good quality.

I think I bring to him my knowledge. Since I do a lot of research he gets first hand access to a database. I also help him be more in touch with his feelings and be more flexible about life.I think I can also give him girl advises although he doesn’t listen, but he’ll realize that I’m always right (Mouhahahaahha).

 

I’m sleepy now… So I’m gonna leave you with a friendship quote: 

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” 
― Henri J.M. NouwenOut of Solitude: Three Meditations on the Christian Life

 

Kisses ! 

A great convo I had with a friend ( about Brenee Brown)

14-02-16 10:06 PM: Me: The power of vulnerability
14-02-16 10:06 PM: Me: Gooo watchhh
14-02-16 10:21 PM: ‎Him: Loool je vais youtube it (I’m gonna youtube it)
14-02-16 10:24 PM: Me: Okk
14-02-16 10:25 PM: Me: Brene brown
14-02-16 10:25 PM: Him: Lol yup j’ai trouve (Yup, found it)
14-02-16 10:28 PM: Me: Cool
14-02-16 11:11 PM: Him: 😄 so r u part of the wholehearted ?
14-02-16 11:15 PM: Me: Maybe
14-02-16 11:15 PM: Me: Lool
14-02-16 11:16 PM: Me: Probably
14-02-16 11:18 PM: Him: So what r ur thoughts on the video ??
14-02-16 11:20 PM: Me: That video started my recovery journey
14-02-16 11:20 PM: Me: What she says are pretty simple
14-02-16 11:21 PM: Me: And obvious
14-02-16 11:22 PM: Me: But I like the fact that she’s a scientist
14-02-16 11:23 PM: Me: So I could identify with the struggle I had with wanting to be strong
14-02-16 11:23 PM: Me: I didn’t allow myself to be vulnerable, for example being ashamed of telling people I was depressed
14-02-16 11:24 PM: Me: She has another talk called listening to shame
14-02-16 11:25 PM: Him: What does it mean to be strong in this day and age ?
14-02-16 11:25 PM: Him: R the wholehearted strong with their courage?
14-02-16 11:25 PM: Me: For general society is not showing negative emotion
14-02-16 11:26 PM: Me: The wholehearted are basically authentic
14-02-16 11:26 PM: Me: Being able to show ur strength and weaknesses without being ashamed
14-02-16 11:26 PM: Me: And once u identify them and accept them
14-02-16 11:27 PM: Me: U can start improving in these areas
14-02-16 11:28 PM: Me: I haven’t achieved that yet (sense of love an belonging)
14-02-16 11:29 PM: Me: But I allow myself to be authentic and I don’t experience shame anymore
14-02-16 11:30 PM: Him: So being strong is not being ashamed, not being brought down ?
14-02-16 11:31 PM: Him: Being…..not vulnerable so to speak ?
14-02-16 11:31 PM: Me: It’s not being ashamed to be yourself
14-02-16 11:31 PM: Me: Allowing urself to be vulnerable
14-02-16 11:32 PM: Me: U might still be brought down.
14-02-16 11:32 PM: Me: Its being able to recognize it,
14-02-16 11:32 PM: Me: Not being ashamed that happened
14-02-16 11:32 PM: Me: And get back up
14-02-16 11:34 PM: Him: So the strong would then be “immortal” but not “invincible” ?
14-02-16 11:34 PM: Me: yeah if u put it like that
14-02-16 11:34 PM: Him: More about the ability to recover than not getting hurt ?
14-02-16 11:34 PM: Me: Exactly
14-02-16 11:35 PM: Me: Cuz u will get hurt, sometime s not allowing urself to get hurt
14-02-16 11:35 PM: Me: Might be dangerous
14-02-16 11:35 PM: Me: Par example I got bullied about my depression, I’ve been told to go kill myself
14-02-16 11:36 PM: Me: Before practicing that my defense mechanism was to hide my illness
14-02-16 11:36 PM: Me: Or sometimes I tried to justify myself for always being tired
14-02-16 11:37 PM: Me: Now I’m not ashamed that I’m sick… I’ve became compassionate about people who tells me mean stuff…
14-02-16 11:38 PM: Me: I accept that they don’t know better…when it hurts, I assess my feelings, develop a strategy and remind myself of who I am
14-02-16 11:39 PM: Me: I’ve also surrounded myself with more positive people
14-02-16 11:39 PM: Him: So that’s the strength u seek…
14-02-16 11:40 PM: Me: Yes
14-02-16 11:40 PM: Me: I’ve tried other strategies, they obviously haven’t worked
14-02-16 11:41 PM: Me: I let go of my desire of perfection. I still seek excellence, but not perfection
14-02-16 11:41 PM: Me: Ohh and I practice self compassion
14-02-16 11:43 PM: Him: There is strength beyond this conception
14-02-16 11:44 PM: Me: What is it?
14-02-16 11:46 PM: Him: Before that, u said u like the fact that she is a scientist
14-02-16 11:46 PM: Me: Ya
14-02-16 11:46 PM: Me: Cuz I struggle between my scientist side and the creative one
14-02-16 11:46 PM: Me: I thought I had to be one or the other
14-02-16 11:47 PM: Him: I can imagine that means u are more comfortable to accept her information which comes from interpretation of many years of acquired data
14-02-16 11:47 PM: Me: I love stats, I like order and data
14-02-16 11:47 PM: Me: Yes
14-02-16 11:48 PM: Me: I listen to motivational speakers but most of them are mostly creative
14-02-16 11:49 PM: Him: Hm…k but this is all exterior
14-02-16 11:50 PM: Me: I think I identify with her
14-02-16 11:50 PM: Him: U receive an opinion, a perspective (even when backed by research)
14-02-16 11:50 PM: Him: Don’t forget
14-02-16 11:50 PM: Me: When I felt like shit I use make written plans and deadline
14-02-16 11:50 PM: Me: Ohh remember
14-02-16 11:50 PM: Me: Y I love science
14-02-16 11:51 PM: Me: Its always questionable
14-02-16 11:51 PM: Me: There is no absolute truth in science
14-02-16 11:51 PM: Me: So I get inspire by it, I take the elements I need from it
14-02-16 11:51 PM: Me: And leave the rest
14-02-16 11:51 PM: Him: Even scientific data and theorems are…”interpretation”
14-02-16 11:52 PM: Me: Duhh
14-02-16 11:53 PM: Him: Mathematical equations, from 1+1=2 to e=mc2…ya always un parametre identifie pour que ca soit “vrai” (there is a parameter that is identified so it becomes true)
14-02-16 11:53 PM: Me: I know
14-02-16 11:53 PM: Me: That’s wuts great about it
14-02-16 11:53 PM: Him: To make knowledge “certain” in identified conditions
14-02-16 11:54 PM: Me: My goal is to create from all the info’s I’ve taken from all the research I’ve done
14-02-16 11:55 PM: Him: With everything u take inn u are the final judge of their worth…how much u accept
14-02-16 11:55 PM: Me: And adapt them to myself
14-02-16 11:55 PM: Me: Yuup
14-02-16 11:55 PM: Him: Now….
14-02-16 11:55 PM: Him: (Good)
14-02-16 11:56 PM: Me: A lot of people think science is rigid
14-02-16 11:56 PM: Me: Tantis que c un ensemmble de theories (Although it’s a group of theories)
14-02-16 11:58 PM: Him: (Yup) 
In the same line of methodology in which theorem are developed, what would strength be ?
14-02-16 11:58 PM: Him: If u take the extremes
14-02-16 11:59 PM: Him: “No strength”, what kind of personality is that ?
14-02-16 11:59 PM: Me: I think the end result of my quest is to enjoy being alive
14-02-16 11:59 PM: Me: For my point of view it would be someone very shallow
14-02-17 12:00 AM: Me: And rigid
14-02-17 12:00 AM: Me: Cuz rigidity prevents resilience
14-02-17 12:00 AM: Him: Someone who is easily “defeatable” ?
14-02-17 12:00 AM: Me: Yes
14-02-17 12:01 AM: Me: Who cannot find other ways to solve a problem
14-02-17 12:01 AM: Him: Doesn’t get back up after a hit, not resilient in the slightest
14-02-17 12:01 AM: Me: Exactly
14-02-17 12:01 AM: Me: Worse blames exterior causes
14-02-17 12:01 AM: Him: Can’t solve a problem at all
14-02-17 12:02 AM: Me: For his or hers misfortune
14-02-17 12:02 AM: Him: Denial would be an attempt at self defense
14-02-17 12:02 AM: Me: Not denial
14-02-17 12:03 AM: Me: Extroverts have the tendency to find exterior reasons
14-02-17 12:03 AM: Me: For their action
14-02-17 12:03 AM: Me: To be able to deny
14-02-17 12:04 AM: Me: You need to have another option
14-02-17 12:04 AM: Me: But some people don’t
14-02-17 12:04 AM: Me: For example a guy drops out of school right before graduation, because his friend did it
14-02-17 12:05 AM: Me: 2 years later he’s stock at mc Donald’s
14-02-17 12:05 AM: Me: He doesn’t realize that he can still take the GED
14-02-17 12:06 AM: Me: And he’s gonna focus on how much the capitalism system sucks, how his friend was a bad friend
14-02-17 12:06 AM: Me: The fact that it was his choice wont even go through his head
14-02-17 12:07 AM: Me: And he’s gonna be working there for the next 10 years complaining
14-02-17 12:07 AM: Him: Lol denial is a vast word, Terminology can have different interpretation but let’s not stray too far
14-02-17 12:07 AM: Me: Lool ok
14-02-17 12:08 AM: Him: So “no strength” is pretty easily defined
14-02-17 12:08 AM: Me: Wut would be the other extreme
14-02-17 12:08 AM: Me: Ya (from my point of view)
14-02-17 12:09 AM: Me: But extremely strong
14-02-17 12:09 AM: Him: For the other extreme, “highest strength”
14-02-17 12:09 AM: Me: For me its resilience
14-02-17 12:09 AM: Him: Yeah

14-02-17 12:09 AM: Me: Inner peace
14-02-17 12:10 AM: Him: Think examples…personalities…what is at the highest level strength ?
14-02-17 12:10 AM: Me: He doesn’t spend too much energy being frustrated
14-02-17 12:10 AM: Me: Jesus maybe..
14-02-17 12:10 AM: Me: Ohh no or nelson Mandela
14-02-17 12:11 AM: Me: Someone who’s been thought a lot bus was able to forgive
14-02-17 12:11 AM: Him: Lol a topic for a another time
14-02-17 12:11 AM: Me: Lmaoo
14-02-17 12:11 AM: Me: Tu va dodo? (U’r gonna sleep? )
14-02-17 12:11 AM: Him: Lol non, I meant the jesus part
14-02-17 12:11 AM: Him: 😛
14-02-17 12:11 AM: Me: Lmao
14-02-17 12:12 AM: Him: Nelson mandela….dunno much about him
14-02-17 12:12 AM: Me: Do u know anything about buddhism?
14-02-17 12:12 AM: Him: But think personality traits
14-02-17 12:14 AM: Me: Empathy,resilience,self control,compassion,
14-02-17 12:14 AM: Me: Google the pillars of buddhism
14-02-17 12:14 AM: Him: What does a person who would claim to be the strongest human mind, have for features ?
14-02-17 12:14 AM: Me: Humility
14-02-17 12:16 AM: Him: Hm…most likely if morality is added to the equation, but not a prerequisite
14-02-17 12:16 AM: Me: Flexibility and self confidence
14-02-17 12:16 AM: Me: I guess it would come naturally
14-02-17 12:17 AM: Him: Buddhism is kinda only focused on the path of enlightment
14-02-17 12:17 AM: Me: Did u read
14-02-17 12:17 AM: Me: About the suffering part?
14-02-17 12:17 AM: Him: Self confidence, probably at the top of the list
14-02-17 12:18 AM: Me: Yes, but its something that’s built
14-02-17 12:18 AM: Me: So if u r not resilient
14-02-17 12:19 AM: Me: Ur self confidence can be destroyed easily
14-02-17 12:19 AM: Me: Let say self worth
14-02-17 12:20 AM: Me: Someone who knows that they are on earth for a reason and decides to make the best of it
14-02-17 12:21 AM: Me: Like ur “game of life concept”
14-02-17 12:25 AM: Him: In some ways
14-02-17 12:26 AM: Him: But at the highest form, that self confidence would be indestructible
14-02-17 12:26 AM: Him: Backed up by skill and knowledge
14-02-17 12:26 AM: Me: Yupp
14-02-17 12:27 AM: Him: That person would be free from mental “illness”
14-02-17 12:28 AM: Me: Not necessarily
14-02-17 12:28 AM: Him: Be “capable” as to back up his confidence
14-02-17 12:28 AM: Him: ***Illness***
14-02-17 12:29 AM: Me: Cuz bipolar disorder for example is a chemical imbalance
14-02-17 12:29 AM: Me: Depression too but it has more outside causes
14-02-17 12:30 AM: Him: I’m thinking mental states negatively affecting his performance
14-02-17 12:30 AM: Me: Ohh not mental illness
14-02-17 12:31 AM: Me: Maybe mental noises
14-02-17 12:32 AM: Him: even for a bipolar specific case, highest strength would mean having a good handle on it
14-02-17 12:32 AM: Him: So self control at its highest
14-02-17 12:32 AM: Me: well… not free of it
14-02-17 12:33 AM: Me: But ya, ultimate management
14-02-17 12:35 AM: Him: prevention from anything that could impede his proficiency, physical or mental (stress, mood, motivation etc)
14-02-17 12:36 AM: Me: Yup
14-02-17 12:40 AM: Him: Highest form of:
Self confidence
Self control
Resilient
(As close as can be) Omnipotent
(As close as can be) Mentally Invincible
14-02-17 12:40 AM: Me: And healthy
14-02-17 12:41 AM: Him: Goes into omnipotent
14-02-17 12:41 AM: Me: Ya
14-02-17 12:41 AM: Me: C apres m we sa (I realized that later)
14-02-17 12:41 AM: Me: Lool
14-02-17 12:42 AM: Him: 😛 
So to me it all takes root in “self worth” as u mentioned
14-02-17 12:43 AM: Me: Self worth leads to self acceptance then self improvement
14-02-17 12:43 AM: Me: To self I guess
14-02-17 12:43 AM: Him: Without even looking past self worth
14-02-17 12:44 AM: Him: Imagine the most influential personalities in histories
14-02-17 12:44 AM: Him: Those who have shaped the world
14-02-17 12:45 AM: Me: Ya
14-02-17 12:45 AM: Him: At their peak, imagine what they must have had inside
14-02-17 12:45 AM: Him: How they’d look at themselves in a mirror
14-02-17 12:45 AM: Me: Ils nont pas eu lhumilite (they haven’t had humility)
14-02-17 12:46 AM: Him: Their self worth would be through the roof 😛
14-02-17 12:46 AM: Me: Which caused most of them to fall
14-02-17 12:46 AM: Him: Yeah, too much self worth (alone) leads to arrogance
14-02-17 12:47 AM: Him: For lack of self control (discipline)
14-02-17 12:48 AM: Me: Ya
14-02-17 12:48 AM: Him: But to have reached that spot they must have had a high amount of “strength”
14-02-17 12:49 AM: Me: Yes but not the ultimate
14-02-17 12:49 AM: Him: Now u mentioned leading a happy life
14-02-17 12:49 AM: Him: (Lol not the ultimate cuz the ultimate only exists in theory)
14-02-17 12:50 AM: Him: (Unless u argue about Jesus 😛 discussion for another time)
14-02-17 12:50 AM: Me: U should be happy if u follow all these
14-02-17 12:50 AM: Me: But no confusion should be made
14-02-17 12:50 AM: Me: Between
14-02-17 12:51 AM: Me: Excitement, joy and happiness
14-02-17 12:51 AM: Him: For a happy life, the important prerequisite is to be able to live undisturbed
14-02-17 12:51 AM: Me: Nope
14-02-17 12:51 AM: Me: Not at alll
14-02-17 12:53 AM: Me: The prerequisite is mindfulness
14-02-17 12:54 AM: Him: Yeah, joy and happiness differ, joy (as in excitement) can be said to be limited to a small time frame, while happiness is more a state of living
14-02-17 12:54 AM: Me: Yup
14-02-17 12:55 AM: Him: Well arguably…happiness and contentment go hand in hand
14-02-17 12:56 AM: Him: Perceiving contentment does mean mindfulness but struggles and
14-02-17 12:56 AM: Him: Misfortune will go against perception of happiness
14-02-17 11:29 AM: Me: Perception of joy
14-02-17 11:29 AM: Me: Happiness is more general
14-02-17 11:30 AM: Me: When u practice mindfulness you learn to see other thing that are good in your live
14-02-17 11:31 AM: Me: Most of the time there are more good then bad
14-02-17 11:31 AM: Me: If you look at different aspects of a person’s life

 

Thankful and Bridezillas

I don’t celebrate thanksgiving (Canadian or American) just because it’s not in my culture and it’s one of the holidays I decided not to adopt. But today I was reminded how important it is too have a support system. It mainly consist of my sister and my boyfriend. My house is almost cleaned due to their effort this weekend. I didn’t ask them for help but they still did it because they probably realized that I was overwhelmed by the mess around me and I just couldn’t do it by myself. So I’m thankful for that.I felt useless in the beginning then I decided to see it from a positive perspective. I have people who love me and who are willing to make sacrifices to help me. And I’m thankful for that. 

A. is all exited about Jack, she’s asking me about dog friendly places and stuff LOL, she’s a perfectionist so I trust her all the way with him. I just hope she doesn’t put too much energy into taking care of him (for her own sake she’s intense). Yesterday I had a fight with M. I’m still mad about it because I didn’t expect it. You guys know we went bridesmaid dress shopping and of course she was doing her bridezilla and was getting upset about the maid of honor not liking the dress she wanted to put her in. She finally got her way so she went back to normal but then we went to the nail salon and again she was getting upset for futility, I was just tired of all that negative energy. I tried to play the diplomat all day and make peace between the girls. Just before going the restaurant she pulled me aside and started asking me why I was having an attitude with her? I was astonished! We were just joking around  while getting ready for the restaurant and she got mad. She asked me if I wanted to put her down! I was really offended because all I did during the day was to try lifting the mood and keep her happy. I’m the one who’s suppose to be clinically depressed and I sucked it up and went above and beyond to focus on the positive. I understand that she is still grieving about the death of her mother (I suppose so) but if she keeps on pushing all her close friends away from her she’ll end up alone! My sympathy level towards her is slowly going down. She tried to be nice to me while we were at the restaurant but I think I’m gonna take a break from her for a while because I just can’t deal with unnecessary drama right now. It saddens me though… She’s one of my best friends, I hope that one of the girls will be there for her while I wont. She has incredibly faithful friends so I think she will be just fine. I still feel guilty but it’s for the best. Just writing about this makes my neck and shoulder ache. 

I’m going to take my sleeping pills now so I can wake up in time for rehab tomorrow.I didn’t have me time today (self help thingy remember). I’m going to listen to music for an hour 🙂 That should be relaxing 🙂 

Goodnight everyone! Kisses! 

Hey guys I need your advice

Tomorrow I’m seeing my psychologist, I’m in trouble :(. I’m gonna have to tell her about what happened Saturday night… I know she wont judge me but I feel like a kid who had a bad grade. On the upside I’ve worked on myself a lot this week so I’m gonna be able to share the insights with her.

I have a problem… I don’t know what to do, maybe you guys can help me. There is that girl who use to go to the depression and anxiety support group with me. We became friends pretty quickly and we got close. I haven’t heard from her in a month now… and I’m worried.I sent her a text message in October and she told me that she was busy with her kids and that her allergies were tiring her. She didn’t answer any other text message from me after that. I don’t know what to think…Did something happen to her or maybe she just doesn’t want to talk to me. 

She has two kids, a three year old girl and a 5 year old boy who’s autistic. She has been suffering from depression almost all her life and her relationship with her boyfriend wasn’t going well when I used to talk to her. The guy was emotionally abusive and he seemed to enjoy the fact that she had no self-esteem. He got mad when she decided to apply for university and every time she talked about leaving him he would tell her that he would leave her without a dime. She doesn’t work because the guy asked her to stay home about 5 years ago, he is making enough money to take care of both of them but he doesn’t declare all his revenues in his tax reports. She felt trapped and was getting more and more anxious about her situation. But every time she decided to leave him, he would promise her the world to make her stay and she would believe him. The last time we talked about her relationship, I referred her to a lawyer since she was eligible to get a free one. She went to the appointment with all the information then she told me that he started changing so she was going to stay. I said Okay and even though I was skeptic, I was actually pleased about the progress the guy was making hoping that they would get in a happy place. Since the group ended I haven’t heard from her. I know his boyfriend did not like her relationship with me so I’m wondering if it’s why she doesn’t talk to me anymore… But I’m also scared that she harmed herself because she had no support system and her family was her primary source of stress.

I don’t know what to do …. Should I try to call her or should I just let it go and let her live her life? I hope you guys will help me see clearer in this situation. 

Kisses 

Maybe happy is doable…

I haven’t post all day but I have a good reason. Today I had a full schedule and I actually enjoyed it. When I woke up this morning my boyfriend went to buy me croissants before going home ( we don’t live together) then my friend called me, she told me she was in Montreal for the weekend and she wanted to see me. I said yes but around 1 PM, I felt tired and I tried to cancel… She didn’t listen to me and told me she was on a mission to get me out of the house today. So she picked me up spent three hours together talking, I actually enjoyed it. 

Today was also one of my other good friend’s birthday. She came to pick me up after work, we were suppose to go chill at her place and try to bake a cake. He roommate sent me a text in the morning to tell me they were trowing her a surprise dinner in the evening. So when she came over convinced her to go buy a cake instead. The surprise went very well, she had a bad day at work and it was exactly what she needed.When we thought the night could not get any better all of us had the surprise of our life. Her mom came to visit her from the Caribbeans! We were shocked  because she didn’t tell anybody that she was coming and she is a very good person to be around. Seeing all that joy and that love actually made me happy. Yes people, these past two day I felt an emotion I forgot existed, not excitement, not appreciation but happiness…

I can’t remember the last time I felt happy, it’s been years and I didn’t think that small events like that could make me reach that state. I know it might seem stupid for people who doesn’t suffer from a mental illness but that’s a big step for me and I’m taking it with humility and appreciation because I don’t know the next time that will happen to me again. For those who are feeling like there is no hope try to take that little of my life and hold on to it. Two weeks ago the only solution I found to ease my pain was cutting and I found relief in knowing that I would eventually find a way to kill myself effectively.

I’m not cured, not at all. I have years of psychotherapy ahead of me and hopefully only months of medication but I’m starting to see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how tiny it is, I hold on to it because it’s better than complete darkness. I think I’m lucky to have a good support system but I have to tell you that when I first got diagnosed I lost a lot of friends and got estranged from my family in Canada. Now I have two very good friends, we started hanging out this year and we’ve been there for each other to everything we had to go through. I’ve known A.(the birthday girl) all my life but we were never close but when she heard I was depressed she asked me every single day how my day went and the relationship went on to be very deep. I met M. 3 years ago because our boyfriends are friends. Around Christmas of last year we went shopping together then we never stopped talking, we just clicked. 

I’m still disappointed that my closest friends in Canada ( at least I thought they were) made fun of me or just simply stop talking to me but I’m glad I found new ones that are much better quality. I finally felt like I had real friends, I wasn’t there just to give them legal information or help them with school, I could be myself without judgement and they genuinely wanted to spend time with me. I’m saying that because since I’ve been in Canada I was the friend that helped out with serious issues but wasn’t invited to the parties, unless they needed something from me. I always knew that but I didn’t think I could do better and I thought I still had my real friends back home but the truth is that with the distance you cannot get real support from the ones who love you. 

I also did not tell my best friends ( Mi.E and R) that I was sick because I did not want to worry them while there was nothing they could do for me. Without them knowing it was easier for me to talk to them because they still saw me as the girl they knew and I could remind myself that I was once happy. It was a tough transition period but I’m glad I got to know who actually were worth my time and energy. I’m very intense and my sensitivity and empathy level are too high. I used to share them with everyone around me but it takes a lot of energy and now I’m learning to discriminate the important from the useless. Because being able to share the pain of others like they are mine drains me emotionally.

So lesson of the day : there is hope, hold on to it.

Goodnight

To Teddy

It’s been 5 years now that you took your life. You left us without saying goodbye and with no explanation. Five years ago, I did not understand why, I was mad at you for not asking me for help. You had always been there for me when I was down and I guess I got fooled by your optimism. 

We talked that last night, you told me how you could not wait to go to college, how you loved me as a friend….3 hours later you were  gone. 3 hours later I thought you were out partying and I was talking about you to a friend…

I’m sorry I didn’t see it coming, I’m sorry I could not help. You were a ball of sunshine, my little teddy bear… that name suited you so well…I was going through my emails the other day and I found the only thing i have left of you. It was a quiz… how well do you know teddy? the website doesn’t even exist anymore. But I remember us testing each other, laughing about it. I remember you  telling me to stay positive. I will never understand your reasons but I can now relate to your pain. 

I forgive you… I’m still sadden by your absence, I still regret your actions, I still feel guilty I couldn’t save you…But I forgive you. 

I hope you’ll get my letter wherever you are. 

I love you Teddy.