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Urge

Monday 10:58 PM :  I’m sitting on my bed, my dog wants to play with me. Already to  my sleeping pills. Tears are falling down my cheeks. I wanna hurt myself again. Writing worked last time, so hopefully it will work today.

I’m incredibly lonely… I think I want to break up with my boyfriend… Sometimes I wonder if I’m in a toxic relationship. He’s been very good to me last couple of months. but sometimes he turns into an ass and he manages to hurt me. I know he has his own problems to deal with and growing up in an emotionally abusive family made him very good at hiding his feelings. As you already know this family is there now and he wont stand up for me. He’s scared… Should I be mad at him for not being strong enough?

Can i judge someone’s strength when I’m asking others not to judge me. But should I lower my expectations? One of my friend told me that I should feel lucky that he’s still with me after all the hospitalizations and all the craziness I’ve been through . Do I have to believe I have to settle for a guy who came to visit me at the hospital? Isn’t that suppose to be normal? Again, What is normal?

I’m still sad and tired, I’d like one of these prince charming on Disney to come and save me. I feel like I’ve been fighting for a while now and I don’t seem to take a break. I got invited to  a meditation retreat and i wonder if i should go. I’m gonna have to pay for it and money is tight these days perhaps it could be a good investment. I’m seeing my psychologist tomorrow, I love her, she gives me hope.

I could use a hug right now.I don’t want to sleep. I’m too scared of sleep. Last night I had horrible nightmares about my dad holding my mom, my sister and I hostage. I had to show my sister how to use a gun and i killed him. I also dreamed about my godfather (he’s dead) and my childhood friend (also dead). My nightmares use to be mostly at night but now it happens during my naps too. So.. No rest for me…

I really need to get more active, i haven’t gotten out of my apartment since Saturday ( don’t worry my sister walks my dog for me) but is that a life? My sister told me I looked like someone who have given up on life and is just waiting to die. She’s not really far from the truth. Today i tried to work a long term project hopefully I wont give up. Focusing on the present moment sucks right now… so mindfulness is not always the appropriate technique to help with depression. The present is temporary , I want to hope that in about a year I will be able to feel joy again.

Good night

 

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