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I was watching this video and all i could think about was how I’ve became an expert in hiding my secrets. I’ve hidden my biggest secret for 10 years and the reason I finally shared it was because I was in a life of death situation. I don’t know if any of you had that feeling before, having to choose between your life and somebody else’s well-being.I might sound dramatic but it was how I felt at that moment.
I was contemplating suicide, I had a plan, my last will was written, my papers where in order and I everybody I loved had a goodbye letter. I could not handle the pain and the loneliness of keeping that secret. I thought I could protect my family by being strong and leaving them in the dark but I later realized that I was lying to myself.
It was a Saturday, I hadn’t slept for a week now…every time I closed my eyes I had vivid nightmares, I could not breath well, I could not get out of bed, I couldn’t even shower. All I could think about was how to kill myself successfully. My sister lived with me at the time so I had to find the perfect moment to do it so she couldn’t save me. My death would solve everything. Another part of me wanted to live, it was telling me that all I had to do was to tell my mom. I knew she would believe me, I knew she would support me but I didn’t want her to get another divorce. I didn’t want my sister to be without a dad. I was scared my mom would end up in prison for killing him (she has a bad temper).
In the afternoon I was talking to my mom and she was asking me why I was depressed. She started telling me how I was lucky to have a good job, a boyfriend, plenty of friends and two dad who adored me. That’s where I flipped! I couldn’t stand my mom defending a man she didn’t know. Being so happy that her husband considered me as his daughter. I was tired of listening to people telling me how lucky I was. I was tired of hiding that my step dad , who raised me as his own daughter sexually abused me.
My mom is very persistent and finally I spilled the bean. She called me right away, called me down, told me not to worry that she was going to take care of it. The morning after she called me and told me that she kicked him out of the house. I felt kind of relieved, first because she didn’t kill him, second because she believed me and made me feel like I actually saved her life. She came to Canada and we had long nights of discussions and I realized that she was also in an abusive relationship and that she stayed with him to protect us.
My sister doesn’t know about her dad and we can’t really do anything legally without ruining my sisters reputation even though she has nothing to do with her. That’s what happens when you live in a patriarchal society. Even my mom’s family asked her what she did to my dad. He was such a good man, why wasn’t she more understanding and stayed with him. The official story of the divorce is that my dad was having an affair with my maid (she’s been with us for 10 years), which was true but that a whole different blog entry. But they thought my mom should forgive him.. he’s a guy… you know… they’re like that. Its such a shame for man that society consider them as animals without self control, the same societies that praise them as superior beings.
So that was my biggest secret, my biological dad still doesn’t know what happened to me. My mom doesn’t want me to tell people because I might turn into a nightmare for my sister and I but hiding that from my sister, even though I know I’m somehow protecting her doesn’t feel right. Having my biological dad telling me to snap out of the depression when he has no idea of what had happened to me growing up is very frustrating. I’m still mad at my parents for not being there to protect me, I understand that my mom had to work to take care of me (there’s no child support where I’m from) but my dad let another man do his job for him…. a little too well.
I still have secrets… My mom doesn’t know that I cut or that I’m suicidal, she doesn’t know about the night I spent at the psychiatric emergency. I have to hide it from her because if she knows she will come to Canada drag my butt back home and have me under surveillance 24/7. I’m not blowing it out of proportion that’s how she is, she has very strong reactions when it comes to my sister and I. Two years ago I got very sick and I was in an out of the hospital, she sent my dad to get me in Canada (she didn’t know then it was a very bad idea). I ended up spending 6 months over there, I had tennis practice six times a week, I had to follow an healthy diet take care of myself. I’m not complaining because it was just what I needed but this time I want to get better by myself.
I’m still struggling with showing my vulnerable side but I’m getting there. I’ve learned that the only way to live a full life is to be honest with yourself and the people around you. It’s not very easy because you will have to face criticism and judgement but once you know who you are and what you stand for, you will be able to preserve your integrity and surmount the obstacles that will come your way.
Monday 10:58 PM : I’m sitting on my bed, my dog wants to play with me. Already to my sleeping pills. Tears are falling down my cheeks. I wanna hurt myself again. Writing worked last time, so hopefully it will work today.
I’m incredibly lonely… I think I want to break up with my boyfriend… Sometimes I wonder if I’m in a toxic relationship. He’s been very good to me last couple of months. but sometimes he turns into an ass and he manages to hurt me. I know he has his own problems to deal with and growing up in an emotionally abusive family made him very good at hiding his feelings. As you already know this family is there now and he wont stand up for me. He’s scared… Should I be mad at him for not being strong enough?
Can i judge someone’s strength when I’m asking others not to judge me. But should I lower my expectations? One of my friend told me that I should feel lucky that he’s still with me after all the hospitalizations and all the craziness I’ve been through . Do I have to believe I have to settle for a guy who came to visit me at the hospital? Isn’t that suppose to be normal? Again, What is normal?
I’m still sad and tired, I’d like one of these prince charming on Disney to come and save me. I feel like I’ve been fighting for a while now and I don’t seem to take a break. I got invited to a meditation retreat and i wonder if i should go. I’m gonna have to pay for it and money is tight these days perhaps it could be a good investment. I’m seeing my psychologist tomorrow, I love her, she gives me hope.
I could use a hug right now.I don’t want to sleep. I’m too scared of sleep. Last night I had horrible nightmares about my dad holding my mom, my sister and I hostage. I had to show my sister how to use a gun and i killed him. I also dreamed about my godfather (he’s dead) and my childhood friend (also dead). My nightmares use to be mostly at night but now it happens during my naps too. So.. No rest for me…
I really need to get more active, i haven’t gotten out of my apartment since Saturday ( don’t worry my sister walks my dog for me) but is that a life? My sister told me I looked like someone who have given up on life and is just waiting to die. She’s not really far from the truth. Today i tried to work a long term project hopefully I wont give up. Focusing on the present moment sucks right now… so mindfulness is not always the appropriate technique to help with depression. The present is temporary , I want to hope that in about a year I will be able to feel joy again.