I’m feeling incredibly lonely tonight….I guess my Sunday night low is now on Friday…Thank god I have wordpress…Tried talking with my boyfriend, asked him if he wanted to play a game… he said no because he’s serious about us…What is that suppose to mean ? So I just stopped talking to him. I don’t really have anything to tell him, I don’t work, I don’t go out… I guess it was my way to communicate with him… well too bad.
I feel like crying, I don’t know If I’m depressed or just sad… I guess there is a little bit of depression because I want to bury myself right now. I feel like I will never be satisfied with my life. I depend too much on my boyfriend. I also ask myself if my constant need of attention, wont make me cheat on him…I love him with all my heart and that’s the last thing I want to do, but do I have enough impulse control to stay away from crazy me. I’m not sure he understands that I need to talk to him.I think he’s perfectly fine without me. Right now I feel like going on a binge..But there is so many people in this house that I will get caught and I’m gonna have to lie…I hate lying…at home I can vomit in peace…I’m not bulimic because I’m fat..I don’t always vomit when I binge…I’ve been controlling what I eat but I feel like I’ve gained weight…Please don’t repeat my behaviors!!
I haven’t cut since Canada, I was proud of myself for not feeling the urge until yesterday…Since It would be very hard for me to cover it up in Haiti, I don’t i’d actually do it. But my mind has to be very messed up to be thinking about hurting myself again. I just realized that I’m being very hard on myself so I’m gonna try to practice some self compassion…I’ve been doing better, I’ve been educating myself, taking my medicines and socializing. There are step backs in recovery and the most important thing is that I’m able to resist from hurting myself.
I feel abandoned right now..why am I so needy? I need my own life…I can’t find the balance between being in my bubble and being in love. My bubble is safer but I hurt him when I stay in. Maybe I’m not meant to be in a relationship…maybe I should just have f* friends, and use them as I need. I wouldn’t have to be emotionally involved…Only if I wasn’t the long term monogamous relationship type of girl. My bf must just be tired after a whole week of work…I need to stop holding him to such high standards…I miss him though…
Let me finish on a positive note. I’ve posted 2 videos today, one about depression , which was very honest and brave from the speaker. The other one is about monogamy…I was a little mitigated about the second one because I sometimes wonder if humankind is suppose to be monogamous but the speaker’s theory didn’t take into consideration the element of choice. Human can choose to their behaviors and I choose monogamy. What I understood from the talk was also that we should be more open about other’s sexual behaviors. When sex is done between consenting adults there is no right are wrong. Everyone is allowed to behave the way they seem fit.
Thinking about that made me feel better :). I hope you keep commenting about the videos, I haven’t had time to answer yet, but the comments I’ve read are very interesting.
I have to go now! Kisses !