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It’s like you are already dead….why don’t you just kill yourself

These are my dear sister’s words an hour ago when she told me that my music was to loud ( I was using the headphones)…. She told me that I do everything that’s bad for me like over eating, listening to loud music and stay in my room all day. I’m not doing anything to stay alive, it’s like I’m already dead, why don’t I just kill myself… 

What should I think about that? I am numb right now so I don’t have any particular feeling towards that. Was she just being mean or was she trying to help? I think I’m sad…I’m note sure…I’m dissociated, I’m watching myself type….asking myself why I’m like that, I can’t seem to reconnect, I think I’m scared to reconnect. I see my hands moving and I hear the sound of keyboard clicking…I don’t think my voice is working and my hands want to stop moving…I won’t let them…deep breath….It’s not easy to come back I just feel numb…nothing….blank..

She has to sleep over my place from the 21st to the 24th should I let her? I would feel bad if I didn’t and she would make sure to make everybody feel miserable this Christmas. I don’t know what to do about her…Oh irony!..I just posted a video about siblings bullying. I thought I was immunized to her words…But the ” Go kill yourself ” always gets me…It’s my fault for letting her into my life while I know that she likes to destroy every good thing around her. I feel bad for her but where is the line drawn? She is the only family I have here and she helps around with the chores, which is a huge thing for me right now. I have huge back pains when I stand up, when I add it to my depression I’m basically useless.

I’ve been doing much better since I started blogging and I’m doing very well in therapy.Why do I let her words destroy me? I just ordered pizza Yay self destructive behaviors! It’s still better than cutting though. You know what! I’ve had enough! I’m gonna enjoy my pizza (I’m not gonna be eating that very often when I’m back home) listen to some music, research some videos, chat to my friends and use all my creative energy to bombard you with posts tonight. I should not be questioning myself because a messed up, self absorbed teenager told me the contrary. I’m doing pretty great and being mindful and positive is working so far. 

I have 30 minutes of play with Jack, then he played by himself (hes tired now lol love seeing him resting for a good reason). I have 2 more visits for my apartment, my visa is ready, I finally washed my hair, my mom sent me some money…so overall it’s been a very good day :). I forgot the best part I skyped with my best friend :), she’s in New York we haven’t seen each other in 5 years now, we just get each other…our skype sessions are always long because we don’t talk often. When I think about it when we were in the same country we would spend the day on the phone with each other, so it’s not an excuse :). Her laugh is contagious, I just love the girl. Talking about her made me feel much better :). I’m going to listen to some music now! 

Confession

I ordered pizza tonight… at 1 Am I just could not resist anymore… I’ve been using food for so long as a way to escape from my pain but what it’s doing to my body is horrible… I really need to find a way to stop it. Today I was weak, I’ll try again tomorrow and hopefully it will work.My friend confirmed our date for tomorrow, getting out of the house will definitely make me more energized. Also I must walk Jack! I feel so bad for him but every time I convince myself to go walk him I end up laying on my bed thinking about how bad of a owner I am. I know he’s happy but I’m sure he would love to go smell random stuff on the street. Other confession, I really need to take a shower… this is so embarrassing…but maybe writing about it will give me some energy to go do it. Sometime I get myself to go to the bathroom and I sit on the toilet thinking about my life and I never actually gen in the tub. The worse is that I have baby wipes…I use them too often…

It’s very hard not being able to do the basics. I’ve never talked about that to my therapist…I feel like I’ve been in that latent stage for a while… I come alive on weekends and on Wednesday (psy appointment). My sister told me once I looked like someone waiting for death.Maybe it’s true…I’ve been more positive lately though, I can see a future… I guess I can’t handle the present.  Waiting for my immigration papers probably has a lot to do with it, I have no idea where I will be in a month or what I will do. They’re probably going to cancel my class… so why bother do anything until I know for sure … A couple months ago I started decorating my apartment, I had multiple art projects but what’s the point if I’m going to be moving… I never get to stay long enough somewhere to call it home…I really wished that apartment would be my stable home for a while. I might have to leave Jack and it breaks my heart… my mom said I can come with him but I hope he will be allowed back in Canada. Oh God….

I’m filled with anxiety and it makes me very depressed. I hate when that happens to me because I’m really trying to heal.I think immigration stress is pretty heavy and I underestimated it. I’ve been in Canada since I was 16 and I’m really starting to get used to it… I don’t know if I told you they rejected my work permit application and I had to ask for another one last week. There is no guarantee that I’ll get it this time around.  My boyfriend told me he might not get any vacation for the holiday so I might have to go to my country alone..My social anxiety is multiplied by a thousand when I’m over there without my boyfriend. I’m gonna have to endure people calling me fat every time I see them and giving me dieting advice.They use to call me fat even when I was a size 6… No wonder I have serious issues with food. I can’t manage to have an healthy diet. I’m always in the extremes, I turn anorexic or bulimic or I binge… Seriously I wish I could go back to my anorexic moments it was as unhealthy as the binge eating but at least people told me I was too skinny which was a huge compliment for me. It’s very hard for me to write about these things because I’m admitting to myself that I have a problem. Co morbidity is huge among patients with past of abuse but I’m only getting treated for my depression and I tend to hide the full picture from my therapists.My psychologist probably knows but how much can we talk about an hour a week?

Maybe I should look for another support group since mine ended… I thought I would be able to get by without it but I guess I was wrong.So homework for me: Call my social worker and look for another support group. It’s sad that after such a great weekend I fall that low into depression.I have to find a way to get myself back up at least to the point of doing basic necessities. I can’t keep my life on pause like that.Deep breath… I think I’m going to meditate before trying to sleep tonight (or this morning it’s 4 AM) or maybe pray a little because I need the help of an higher power right now. Maybe I should go to a church tomorrow afternoon I always feel better when I’m in an holy place.Yes I’m going to pray for some faith tonight!

 

Goodnight and good morning my loves