Blog Archives

X for ?

I have no idea what x is for maybe its x the variable. I’ve been packing all day so I don’t have much time to blog.
I’m at the airport right now, with Jack everything is going smoothly. I’m really happy that I took priority boarding it’s making my life easier right now. I’m very tired though I hope I get some sleep on the plane.

Now my life is full of unknown variables but I guess it’s okaym


T for Thoughts, tired and time

I’m lost in my thoughts today. It’s making me  anxious, and when I’m anxious I get depressed. I’m kinda sad… I’m very exited about Haiti and having the time to do things I love, like Blogging, teaching and learning. But I feel like Bf is just moving for me, it’s kind of upsetting because he’s the one who convinced me to do it and now he’s freaking out about my plans.

I’m not gonna change them because I’ve decided to choose my happiness first. He doesn’t do well with change, but I think it’s his problem and he has to solve it. I told him he should start planning what he’s  gonna down with his time in Haiti. Everything is easier for us there and I think the ultimate luxury is the amount of free time we’re gonna get to spend on personal projects.

The extra time comes from the fact that for the first year we’ll be at our parent’s (no rent) and they have help (so no cooking or cleaning). Meaning that after work, there’s no chores to do. 

That’s all for today. I’m not feeling well. 

I’ll post tomorrow! 


S. for Suicide

During the crisis part of my depression, I’ve felt suicidal to a point that I go scared of what I could do to myself.

What to do when you feel suicidal

1) Try to calm down: the first thing I would do was to try to calm down. Watch a funny show, write on my journal, take a walk, play with my dog, anything that could make me feel better. If that did not work I would try seek outside help.

2) Try to talk to someone you know: I made a list with my psychologist of people I could contact in case I felt like hurting myself. The first person of course was Bf. So I would call them or text them. Most of the time I was ashamed to tell them that I felt suicidal, so I would just talk to them, tell them was not feeling well. I’d ask my boyfriend to come over or to stay with me on the phone until I sleep. Support from family and friends is crucial, most of the time, after talking to someone close I was able to calm the pain.

3) Contact a Help line: I’ve actually never done that, but some of my friends did and it helped them. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger. So if you don’t have anybody to talk to , try calling a help line.

4) Look for Help online: Online forums saved my life multiple times. At a point in my life it was the only place where I could find people feeling like I did. Then I discovered WordPress which is even better. I use to go to a site (I think), where people would post how they felt, it was helpful because I would comment on others post telling them there is hope. Then I realized that if I didn’t wan’t others to commit suicide maybe I should think the same for myself.

5) Call 911 or Check in a hospital: This happened once to me and it was the scariest experience of my life. I had already cut myself during the night, I cried for 2 hours or more and I destroyed a Teddy Bear with a knife. I was escalating, and I had the means to hurt myself seriously. I could not reach my boyfriend, I was too scared to call the Help line, I didn’t want to get committed by force. So I went to the hospital and checked myself in. It wasn’t pleasant but at least I was safe. I checked out in the morning, they informed my psychiatrist and my social worker so I could get more support. I hated the experience but I’m glad I did , because I’m alive and well now.


Q for …Quality time

I’m sick, so I’m not inspired at all. I think I have the flu. I didn’t take the flu vaccine this year and I have asthma. I think I’ve been paying for it all winter.
Today bf is off today, so we were  suppose to have some quality time together. I guess we wont.. We’re watching TV. I usually lay down on him but I don’t want him to catch it. My sister in law works at a homeless shelter, and she caught the flu a month ago. Every time she beats it she catches it again. Maybe the government should give free flu shots for people under the poverty line. I know it’s free for the ones who have health problems,but I don’t know about the homeless.. hhum

Let’s go back to quality time? What’s your idea of quality. Time?

P for patience and projects

I’m a very impatient person, and it’s something I’m trying to fight. Because it affects my emotions and my self control which is very bad. When people don’t act at the speed. I would like them too… I tend to loose my temper, usually I stay polite, but my face shows my obvious lack of esteem for the other person.

I’ve been working on that by lowering my expectations towards others.   Not everyone function at the same speed. I’m now patient towards my friends and family. We’ll see how it goes when I start working.

My biggest challenge though is patience toward my self. I have none. I know that I learn fast so I expect my brain to work at least at the his speed prior my depression. It’s not fully there yet, but it’s working pretty well. I tend to overuse it because of my lack of patience.. and we all know what comes after that! Burn out! So tonight I’m forcing myself not to work on my website until tomorrow. Let me. Add after coffee. And I have to take a shower. I’m really one of those who forget about everything else when they have a project. I didn’t even watch my tv shows!

My blog was my first project since my depression and I think I’ve put it somewhere descent. So the next step, the website, should be my project for the next six months. Maybe I’ll have enough content to write about how to create a blog, gain follower, make a website and succeed at it in a year!

When I first started blogging I really did it for myself I need to get some secrets out of my system. Then I got my first 10 followers, then 50 then 100. People commented, and I commented on theirs, I felt like going to check on my wordpress friends was a duty. It was also a reason to stay alive. Then I started getting award… trust me it helps your self esteem. Once I got to that point it became an addiction I wanted more. The big difference between when I just started blogging and now is that I wanted to blog for myself, but now I want to blog for myself ANd for the world and I want to be great at it.

So my project requires patience. I need to be patient and know my limits, take the time to reflect or meditate everyday so I don’t get overwhelmed by the exterior world.


N for nice

coffee please



So N is for nice or why I stopped being Nice. Since I was little people have used the word Nice to describe me. That should be a good thing, but being Nice is often taken for granted. So I was always the one asked to do chores or help someone, my parents had higher expectation of  me in term of conduct than my sister. But the worse was being bullied, I never defended myself, because I was Nice. Kids at school would use me, pretending to be my friend so I can give them money, or do something for them. At university, because I was nice, they would ask me to help them with homework and let me do everything.  I would pretend that I didn’t understand because I wasn’t loosing anything, I knew that I was gaining more knowledge and they were staying dumb , but at one point, I got tired.

Being the Nice one allowed others to take advantage of me. My so called friends would want to hang out with me only when they needed me, but would not invite me to “cool” places, because I guess being smart makes you uncool. So I stopped being Nice, it took time.

First of all I learned to say NO. It’s incredibly hard but once you own your NOs, you will enjoy it.

I also started thinking about myself first when I’m asked for help, by helping that person am I gonna get harmed in any ways? Too many times, I’ve sacrificed my well being over others and I didn’t even get a glimpse of gratitude from these people.

Would they help me if I was in need? If the answer is no, I think twice before helping.

I now stand up for  myself  when I feel that I’ve been treated unfairly, and it helped me a lot, because I use to be very frustrated by injustice.

The last thing I do is that I create proper boundaries with my surrounding. For example I use to take all my mother’s problems personally and worry about it. Now I refrain to ask her questions about things that she needs to solve on her own.

Oh I forgot the most important want, I don’t try to please everybody anymore. There always be people that don’t like me, so as long as I do what’s right in My book, I don’t care about that other’s think of me.

I’m not nice anymore, but I’m compassionate, empathic, and altruistic. I think my mission on earth is to help others, but in order to do so, I have to take care of myself and stay authentic to my values.


M for mental health


I think you all know by now that I started blogging because of my depression and that it’s a subject that is dear to me. Many thinks that mental illness only has bad sides but being depressed reminded me how creative I can be. Because I had to take time off from work, I started painting in drawing, I found my love of writing back, and I write about subjects that matters to me.

I’m recovering from depression, meaning i’m not debilitated by it anymore and sometimes I actually forget about it… But I make sure to take care of my mental health, everyday. You don’t have to be mentally ill to take care of it, staying  mentally healthy requires as much work as being physically well.

1) Nurture your relationships: We are social animals, it’s important to have a strong support system. When  you are not feeling well to have people to count on. Nurturing your relationships also means staying away from negativity and toxic friends and family. Appreciate the time you spend with the one you loves, reach out to the ones in need, forgive. If you don’t have anybody get a pet, it improves your mood, trust me.

2) Take care of yourself physically: Proper nutrition and physical activities, can go a long way in improving your mental health.It doesn’t have to be extreme, try to eat fruits and vegetables everyday, take a walk, do some yoga, have sex! Anything that can make your feel better physically. Your brain is part of your body, people tend to forget that.

3) Take time for yourself: We are so bombarded by external . We tend to forget to take some personal time to regroup. Introverts feel the need much quickly but extroverts are not immune to burn outs. Don’t ignore your body when it’s asking for a break. For example (from personal experience) catching a cold every month is a warning for you to slow  down. Take a couple minutes per day for yourself, stay a little longer in the shower,go walk your dog by yourself, meditate, stay away from any electronic gadget while you do that.

4) Embrace gratitude and positivity: Be grateful to be alive, try to be less judgmental, don’t take everything personally, be compassionate towards the ones that do you wrong. Accept people for what they are, see life in a positive light every day. It takes effort, but once you get it, it becomes natural.

5) Express yourself: We tend to keep our feeling bottled up and it eats us alive, specially when we keep secrets. You don’t have to be talented at anything to express yourself. Write your feelings down in a journal, if you are scared for your confidentiality, flush it down or burn it when you’re done writing. For the artistic ones, write poems, draw, paint, play music. Try to be as authentic as you can, because wearing a mask is very tiring and it can drag you to abysses you don’t want to visit.

I don’t like to tell people what to do, or maybe I do. I’m not a scientist or in expert in psychology, I just share what I’ve learned throughout my year of self exploration. I hope it helps you! And if you think you might have a mental illness PLEASE SEEK HELP!  If you know someone struggling with mental health issues, do the best you can to help them and ENCOURAGE them to see a  PROFESSIONAL.





S. Green


L for Life


You don’t understand the value of life until you almost loose it. Many thinks that you have to be physically hurt for your life to be in danger but mental illness does the work pretty well also.

I’ve been near death both ways. I have wanted to die most of my life so I when I got sick I kinda hoped that I died in the process. But when I realized I was capable of taking my own life… It scared me to death.. There is nothing scarier than suicide. (At least for me). People says that suicide is selfish, what they don’t understand that it’s a kind of self defense. The problem with is that it’s a permanent solution for a temporary problem. When I say temporary I don’t mean a couple of days, or even a couple of months, because recovery from depression can take time, but it’s not as long as eternity. I can’t stress enough the urgency for more mental health awareness, so people can recognize the signs of mental distress and help the ones in need. In 2014 it’s outrageous that depression is still stigmatized, particularly in ” first world countries” which are suppose to have most things figured out. Yet there’s that epidemic going at an extremely high rate, and our societies don’t seem to realize the gravity of the situation.

I think that my ranting about mental illness bug had bit me today , because I just can’t stop talking about it. I have an online voice, mind as well use it for the better. We celebrate life, we want to humanitarian, but why do we forget about the ones that are dead inside? When I was depressed, I was just surviving, and trust me it’s not fun. Not being able to feel, or just feeling pain are no proper ways of living. The worse part it that most mental illnesses are manageable with proper treatments. PEOPLE RECOVER FROM DEPRESSION!


It’s such an hidden truth that even people who suffer from it, tend to forget it. Small acts of kindness can do a real difference in someone who has lost taste of life. I remember, one thing that kept me going is that I had to give a daily report to my friend A.. We weren’t as close as we are, but the fact that she showed that she cared, made me hold on to life a little more. My friend M. spent her 2 weeks vacations doing activities with me, she knew I liked to play tennis so she would rent the tennis court, would come pick me up and I had no excuses to stay in.

Not everyone has such a good support system, during my depression, I basically changed friends because my old ones would make fun of me and tell me to toughen up. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, luckily, 2 angels came to my rescue M and A, and I think they will stay in my life forever. I also withdrew from my best friends, not because they wouldn’t be supportive but because they were away from me and I didn’t want to worry them. Shame also played a part in it, I’m not gonna lie, how do you explain to the people who knows you the most that you want to kill yourself, when everything is going right in your life.

Be that angel to someone, remind them that you care. We are a social specie and our survival depends on our interconnection.

We use the word life too much, not understanding its true meaning. The act of living does not consist of having a pulse; its waking up and going to sleep yearning to see another day!




S. Green

K for kisses


Kissing has always been special for me. I think it has a lot to do with being abused, but it was the only thing I didn’t give him(Besides my virginity) . During my teenage years I had a very unhealthy relationship with boys, I would use them, make them want me and then tell them I wouldn’t have sex. I don’t know if I still have that ability but I was able to separate my body from my feelings.

Kisses was reserved for my boyfriend, or for guys I really liked. I’ve kissed many boys in my life, but I only remember very few of them. My first boyfriend and I went out for 4 years, and we never had sex. It was important for me and he respected that without asking any questions. My for sexual partner was my current boyfriend, and I still long for his kissed.

Kisses are more intimate for me, it’s very hard not to put feelings into them. I kiss people I love, like my friends, my family,Jack and I send you guys virtual kisses. Jack gives the most awesome kisses! They’re unexpected and he doesn’t ask for permission. He’s the only one allowed to do so.

My BF kisses are good too. I feel safe when he kisses me on the forehead. Loved when when gives me a french kiss. And desired when he kisses me on the neck 🙂 .

Kisses are good. Kisses are fun. 🙂



J for Joy


This is what happiness looks like!

Because our brains are more complicated then Jack’s it’s very hard to attain “Jack’s Happiness”. But we can collect little moments of Joy. Here are my favorite moments of joy.

1) Playing or cuddling with Jack: Jack is always happy! When he runs around and gives me kisses, there’s nothing better to make me feel loved and happy.

2) Quality time with my boyfriend: When I’m with him I feel good and safe. We are very good friends so we laugh all the time, I spend my weeks waiting for the weekend so we can spend more time together

3) Cooking: I hate cooking for myself. But when I cook for other people I put my heart into it and I create new recipes.

4) Dates with one of my girlfriends: I’m not very good with groups, but spending time with just one of my friends is satisfying.

5) Skyping with my best friend : This is one of my favorite moments of joy. It happens very rarely, because it’s hard to find a good moment for us to talk in private. I love her to death, she was my only true friend at school, and she loved me as I was. When I talk to her, I can be completely myself and we just get each other.


Do you have Joyful moments? What are they?