Yup! I did it! I moved! And I only cried once! I landed at 3, got home at 5 and my mom made me a delicious dinner!
And it was healthy! I was happy to be home, although extremely tired. Jack behaved very well on the plane. I’m such a proud mama!
He loves the house! He has to much space to play. And he wants to play with the cats…the cats are scared…
I met a lady on the plane who gave me infos about a psychological research project on ptsd, I have to contact the people to see if I can volunteer.
I’m not sure my mom realizes how serious I am about studying psychology. I’m gonna start a certificate in psychology online, hopefully when I go back to canada I have enough credits to be considered for the phd at McGill. So that’s where I’m at now. The journey has officially started!
I have no idea what x is for maybe its x the variable. I’ve been packing all day so I don’t have much time to blog.
I’m at the airport right now, with Jack everything is going smoothly. I’m really happy that I took priority boarding it’s making my life easier right now. I’m very tired though I hope I get some sleep on the plane.
Now my life is full of unknown variables but I guess it’s okaym
I’m lost in my thoughts today. It’s making me anxious, and when I’m anxious I get depressed. I’m kinda sad… I’m very exited about Haiti and having the time to do things I love, like Blogging, teaching and learning. But I feel like Bf is just moving for me, it’s kind of upsetting because he’s the one who convinced me to do it and now he’s freaking out about my plans.
I’m not gonna change them because I’ve decided to choose my happiness first. He doesn’t do well with change, but I think it’s his problem and he has to solve it. I told him he should start planning what he’s gonna down with his time in Haiti. Everything is easier for us there and I think the ultimate luxury is the amount of free time we’re gonna get to spend on personal projects.
The extra time comes from the fact that for the first year we’ll be at our parent’s (no rent) and they have help (so no cooking or cleaning). Meaning that after work, there’s no chores to do.
That’s all for today. I’m not feeling well.
I’ll post tomorrow!
During the crisis part of my depression, I’ve felt suicidal to a point that I go scared of what I could do to myself.
What to do when you feel suicidal
1) Try to calm down: the first thing I would do was to try to calm down. Watch a funny show, write on my journal, take a walk, play with my dog, anything that could make me feel better. If that did not work I would try seek outside help.
2) Try to talk to someone you know: I made a list with my psychologist of people I could contact in case I felt like hurting myself. The first person of course was Bf. So I would call them or text them. Most of the time I was ashamed to tell them that I felt suicidal, so I would just talk to them, tell them was not feeling well. I’d ask my boyfriend to come over or to stay with me on the phone until I sleep. Support from family and friends is crucial, most of the time, after talking to someone close I was able to calm the pain.
3) Contact a Help line: I’ve actually never done that, but some of my friends did and it helped them. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger. So if you don’t have anybody to talk to , try calling a help line.
4) Look for Help online: Online forums saved my life multiple times. At a point in my life it was the only place where I could find people feeling like I did. Then I discovered WordPress which is even better. I use to go to a site suicideproject.com (I think), where people would post how they felt, it was helpful because I would comment on others post telling them there is hope. Then I realized that if I didn’t wan’t others to commit suicide maybe I should think the same for myself.
5) Call 911 or Check in a hospital: This happened once to me and it was the scariest experience of my life. I had already cut myself during the night, I cried for 2 hours or more and I destroyed a Teddy Bear with a knife. I was escalating, and I had the means to hurt myself seriously. I could not reach my boyfriend, I was too scared to call the Help line, I didn’t want to get committed by force. So I went to the hospital and checked myself in. It wasn’t pleasant but at least I was safe. I checked out in the morning, they informed my psychiatrist and my social worker so I could get more support. I hated the experience but I’m glad I did , because I’m alive and well now.
I’m sick, so I’m not inspired at all. I think I have the flu. I didn’t take the flu vaccine this year and I have asthma. I think I’ve been paying for it all winter.
Today bf is off today, so we were suppose to have some quality time together. I guess we wont.. We’re watching TV. I usually lay down on him but I don’t want him to catch it. My sister in law works at a homeless shelter, and she caught the flu a month ago. Every time she beats it she catches it again. Maybe the government should give free flu shots for people under the poverty line. I know it’s free for the ones who have health problems,but I don’t know about the homeless.. hhum
Let’s go back to quality time? What’s your idea of quality. Time?
I’m a very impatient person, and it’s something I’m trying to fight. Because it affects my emotions and my self control which is very bad. When people don’t act at the speed. I would like them too… I tend to loose my temper, usually I stay polite, but my face shows my obvious lack of esteem for the other person.
I’ve been working on that by lowering my expectations towards others. Not everyone function at the same speed. I’m now patient towards my friends and family. We’ll see how it goes when I start working.
My biggest challenge though is patience toward my self. I have none. I know that I learn fast so I expect my brain to work at least at the his speed prior my depression. It’s not fully there yet, but it’s working pretty well. I tend to overuse it because of my lack of patience.. and we all know what comes after that! Burn out! So tonight I’m forcing myself not to work on my website until tomorrow. Let me. Add after coffee. And I have to take a shower. I’m really one of those who forget about everything else when they have a project. I didn’t even watch my tv shows!
My blog was my first project since my depression and I think I’ve put it somewhere descent. So the next step, the website, should be my project for the next six months. Maybe I’ll have enough content to write about how to create a blog, gain follower, make a website and succeed at it in a year!
When I first started blogging I really did it for myself I need to get some secrets out of my system. Then I got my first 10 followers, then 50 then 100. People commented, and I commented on theirs, I felt like going to check on my wordpress friends was a duty. It was also a reason to stay alive. Then I started getting award… trust me it helps your self esteem. Once I got to that point it became an addiction I wanted more. The big difference between when I just started blogging and now is that I wanted to blog for myself, but now I want to blog for myself ANd for the world and I want to be great at it.
So my project requires patience. I need to be patient and know my limits, take the time to reflect or meditate everyday so I don’t get overwhelmed by the exterior world.
Organizing… and ADHD
I’m not the lady in the picture. Far from it, I’m very messy. My room looks more like that.
When I clean finally clean my room it’s usually spotless. Because I’m an overachiever even in cleaning. It’s stays like that for a couple of days.
However, when it comes to anything written, I’m a great organizer. I need order in my life, I file my papers, use an agenda, and I’m always planning something. I’m flexible though, let’s c usually when I’m planning something, I have plan A to D, sometimes more. I usually use my journals as Agendas, because It gives me more space to do whatever I want in them, and since my pans are usually date specific, it doesn’t matter. I don’t plan my daily activities, although I should. I’m more of a long term planner.
Do you know what I like to do more than organizing my life? Organizing other people’s life. I’m always looking for ways to work better, faster, because I hate wasting my times. (At least I use to when I use to work). So I would create all these organizing tools and share with my coworkers, so we didn’t waste time on paperwork. It wasn’t appreciated everywhere. I do that for my friends too… when the get confused about what they want to do in life, I help them put it on paper so they are able to choose rationally what works for them.
My boyfriend is the worse at planning. Because he has ADHD it’s very difficult for him to focus. He only got diagnosed last year, he had no idea. They made him think he was dumb for years although he’s brilliant. (When a subject interests him. )What I’ve realized is that there is no point of expecting him to plan anything related to our relationship because i’d likely be disappointed. So I do it my self. I’ve come to learn how he functions, and understand his learning style (I did a lot of research about that). He is good with routine, he has established a routine in his life and he need his personal idem organized or he gets lost of frustrated. He has a bit of dyslexia also, so it’s harder for him to focus at work.
From times to times, about every three months or so, when he asks, I help him organize his days and develop a pattern for work. He’s in sales, and he has a talent for bringing people in. If only he could stay organized and not get lost or loose focus he would excel at it. It’s very hard to do that though in a world that only understand one type of intelligence. He tries very hard, and he’s been working where he is for 2 years now, that’s a record for him. I think he finally realized that working in sales is a perfectly suitable job. Of course his parents bothers him, about not working in the fields he studied, but to what end? To be bored in unproductive? To have a job title that doesn’t mean anything to him?
ADHD in adults is often misunderstood. It’s not easy living with someone who has it, it can get really frustrating, but I’ve learned to use his strengths for the better. So he does the physical organizing, and I do the life organization. I still push him from time to times to try to focus and do some written activities like his taxes. It took us a lot of time because I had to bring his focus back to it often , but I helped him and he was happy he did it. I don’t think anyone should feel dumb because they learn differently, it would be more beneficial to the world if we used our differences to grow.
I’ve written double of the word restriction for the challenge so I’ll stop now.
I think you all know by now that I started blogging because of my depression and that it’s a subject that is dear to me. Many thinks that mental illness only has bad sides but being depressed reminded me how creative I can be. Because I had to take time off from work, I started painting in drawing, I found my love of writing back, and I write about subjects that matters to me.
I’m recovering from depression, meaning i’m not debilitated by it anymore and sometimes I actually forget about it… But I make sure to take care of my mental health, everyday. You don’t have to be mentally ill to take care of it, staying mentally healthy requires as much work as being physically well.
1) Nurture your relationships: We are social animals, it’s important to have a strong support system. When you are not feeling well to have people to count on. Nurturing your relationships also means staying away from negativity and toxic friends and family. Appreciate the time you spend with the one you loves, reach out to the ones in need, forgive. If you don’t have anybody get a pet, it improves your mood, trust me.
2) Take care of yourself physically: Proper nutrition and physical activities, can go a long way in improving your mental health.It doesn’t have to be extreme, try to eat fruits and vegetables everyday, take a walk, do some yoga, have sex! Anything that can make your feel better physically. Your brain is part of your body, people tend to forget that.
3) Take time for yourself: We are so bombarded by external . We tend to forget to take some personal time to regroup. Introverts feel the need much quickly but extroverts are not immune to burn outs. Don’t ignore your body when it’s asking for a break. For example (from personal experience) catching a cold every month is a warning for you to slow down. Take a couple minutes per day for yourself, stay a little longer in the shower,go walk your dog by yourself, meditate, stay away from any electronic gadget while you do that.
4) Embrace gratitude and positivity: Be grateful to be alive, try to be less judgmental, don’t take everything personally, be compassionate towards the ones that do you wrong. Accept people for what they are, see life in a positive light every day. It takes effort, but once you get it, it becomes natural.
5) Express yourself: We tend to keep our feeling bottled up and it eats us alive, specially when we keep secrets. You don’t have to be talented at anything to express yourself. Write your feelings down in a journal, if you are scared for your confidentiality, flush it down or burn it when you’re done writing. For the artistic ones, write poems, draw, paint, play music. Try to be as authentic as you can, because wearing a mask is very tiring and it can drag you to abysses you don’t want to visit.
I don’t like to tell people what to do, or maybe I do. I’m not a scientist or in expert in psychology, I just share what I’ve learned throughout my year of self exploration. I hope it helps you! And if you think you might have a mental illness PLEASE SEEK HELP! If you know someone struggling with mental health issues, do the best you can to help them and ENCOURAGE them to see a PROFESSIONAL.
WE MUST REDUCE THE AMOUNT OF LOST LIVES WE HAVE DUE TO LACK OF PROPER CARE!!