‎I  remembered once again how much I fear rejection, even the smallest kind brings my spirit down completely. I feel surrounded by a cloud of sadness, and suddenly my self worth is at its minimum. It’s crazy how other people can affect your well-being.
I’ve been trying to build a healthy  “Self defense system” ready to respond properly to exterior events. I think I’ve finally figured out who I am and it’s easier for me to recognize my different defense mechanisms I’ve create while I was younger. They don’t fit my current self anymore and some adjustments are to be made.
When you spend years thinking that you are not worthy of love, it is  encrypted in your mind. Reprogramming your brain is not easy, and since we are animals the most effective way to so is through classical conditioning.So basically pair up your triggers with positive reinforcement. For example slow people use to get on my nerves, and I would ruminate about it and try to understand their though processes. Now when I get irritated by someone who is slow, I think about Jack and one of his mishaps and smile. Since I don’t get mad at him because he doesn’t know better I tell myself the same thing for humans. Hopefully with time I will be more tolerant of other’s pace.
If I keep my train of thought we might have the recipe for  responding “well” to rejection. The only thing is that we should tackle the underlying causes of these reactions. For most people it revolves around self worth, self esteem and self acceptation.  It is nearly impossible to completely get rid of negative emotions when faced with rejection. It wouldn’t be advisable because I believe these emotions can be use for personal growth. The danger in being rejected is the fear it implements into our brain so we prevent ourselves from taking risks that might be worthwhile. My little trick against that fear is to ask myself What’s the worse that can happen and if the worse will leave me at the current position I’m in, I go for it. Being rejected is part of life and most opportunities work with statistics, the more you try, the more chance you have to win.
The second part of rejection, is the one I’m struggling with, and a lot of people who have  experienced abuse or other traumas can relate. It’s questioning your entire  existence every time you get rejected, because it’s hard for you not to take it personally. For example, when my boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me, even when I know he’s tired, I bit myself over it and feel like less of a woman. Rationally it makes no sense but that’s how I feel. How do you break away from this cycle, how do you learn to love yourself? It’s a vicious cycle because lack of self confidence is not really sexy. I do a pretty good job at it when I think about my intellectual self but not my physical self. Does repeating to ourselves that we are worth something will make us believe it? I think having a good life partner helps on that matter because for some strange reason we seem to believe others more than ourselves. Trying to focus and celebrate what is good about us is also another solution.
Social rejection is something many have to deal with throughout their life. When it happens in early life it creates scars that remains open during adulthood. As we all know,  Once burned, twice shy. The need to belong is one of the basic human needs to be psychologically healthy thus  essential to our survival.
It is proposed that ostracism uniquely poses a threat to four fundamental human needs; the need to belong, the need for control in social situations, the need to maintain high levels of self-esteem, and the need to have a sense of a meaningful existence.[29] A threat to these needs produces psychological distress and pain.
The solution (from my point of view) to social rejection during adulthood is to be yourself. I know it’s cliche but it’s true. Something they forget to tell people is that they are not as unique as they were brought to believe.  Each person is different as a whole but shares common traits with others. These similarities are what create bonds. When you don’t feel included in a group it might be because your true self wouldn’t like it anyways. Recognizing who you really are and accepting it is the first step towards building more meaningful relationships. Something else that we should remember is that what they call norm, is about 70% of a population, which means, that 30 percent of us are weird, so the is about 1.8 billion weirdos in the world, i’ll take my chances! What’s also great about being “abnormal” is the notion of rarity. The more you are rare the more value you have. So I’ve just scientifically proven that you are worth a lot. Isn’t that great! I should apply that for myself maybe.
We cannot get away from rejection, we can only manage it. Continuously working on our love for ourselves can be the antidote to that venom. So, let’s all give ourselves a hug tonight and remind ourselves that we are worthy of love!

Posted on March 11, 2014, in Journal, Opinions and Advice and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. So true, that breaking out of thoughts that have become so much a part of us hard, but necessary. Big hugs!

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