I wanted to talk about death today. Last night, it’s all I could think about, the fear of dying. I realized that most fears people have are actually related to death. 

Being scared of the dark: You don’t want to get murdered 

Fear of height: You don’t want to fall and die 

Fear of flying: You don’t want the plane to crash 

These are three phobias that I actually have, or had. I got over my fear of flying when I realized that I’m not scared of death anymore. I think depression is a deadly disease and when you come as close to death, it feels like the world is less dangerous than your own self. At least I do. I’m not suicidal anymore, and I haven’t self harm for a couple of months now. I don’t think I’ll cut again, I hope I don’t. But I’m not terrified of dying anymore, I feel like it will just be the end for myself. The bad news is really for those who love you. I don’t want to die because I have a very good support system and community who loves me and I think I might bring something to the world. But I wouldn’t mind dying.(I don’t know if you get the difference).

I think that because I’m believing more and more in human destiny, in God and in the Universe it feels like death is out of my control. And the day it will happen will be because I will have achieved my work in this world. If God kept me alive and gave me the strength to seek help and hold on to hope, it must be for a reason. I don’t want to sound like an evangelist because I’m far from it, I’m just a girl browsing her way through life. I’m starting to believe that every one of us has a path, you might not see it yet (I have no idea why I’m in this earth) but it you have have faith, you will find your way. 

I was looking at some picture to put for this post but most pictures I find of death or macabre. I’ve lost a lot of people I love in the past 4 years and my heart broke… It still hard sometime to contain my tears. The last person who past, found out she had cancer and passed away a month later. She was a woman on faith, she shared her love and her joy with everyone around her. Her family told me that she did not fight death, she told them that god was calling her and that she will be just fine. She died with a smile on her lips. He lost was painful to me, but the thought that she really died in peace comfort me. 

I thought I was ready to die, when I was suicidal. Because I wanted the pain to go away, all I could see was darkness and no one should suffer as much. I couldn’t decide which was worse, the suffering or the emptiness,I was a tortured soul. What I’m about to say my sound twisted, but maybe one of the reason we shouldn’t commit suicide is because nobody should die with all that inner pain and only life can heal that. Maybe dying does’t take away the pain, maybe it perpetuates it and I don’t think anyone would like to be in a state of perpetual suffering. Staying alive might be the solution to alleviate that pain and give one an opportunity to fill his emptiness. 

Food for thought. 

Let me know what you think! And for those who are having one of the many dark nights, try to hold on, there is hope somewhere.

I love you all. 



Posted on March 10, 2014, in Journal and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. Reblogged this on subha2job and commented:
    Some serious talk of life sometimes…….

  2. Don’t drop the Hope. Keep fighting the good fight.

  3. The fact that you are finding God and incorporating him in your life, your thinking, and your heart is fantastic for your illness. God saves me on a regular basis. In many ways, I feel that those of us who suffer in our illnesses have a higher connection to God because we fear these things and think about them on a larger level than most people. You are right many people are afraid of these things, but they do not consume them like they do people with mental illness.

    Stay on the rocky path of God and you will never go wrong. Your fellow fighter in mental illness JCROWE

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