Anger

 

Do any of you have anger issues? I get irritated easily but I can control it, but my boyfriend for example gets frustrated for the smallest things. I know he was dealing with his anger issues but does it ever go away?  I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life with someone who’s always mad. I know he’s gonna propose soon, and I’m not as sure as I was before that I want to get married. I love him and he’s been very good to me and he adores me, but his outburst are a big problem. It’s hard for us to communicate, because he gets defensive, does any of you have an idea about how to talk to someone who has anger management issues?

With the whole mindfulness concept I’ve been embracing, I stay calm when he gets mad, because I know the anger is not directed towards me, but I don’t feel happy to have to deal with that. How do you know if you should marry someone? Should you break it of because of one bad traits of character? I really need an answer, I need advice.

I’m not very good at being angry, it’s not an emotion I have often, so I don’t really know much about it…maybe I should do some research on it.

Wikipedia defines anger as :

Anger is an emotion related to one’s psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged, or denied. Often it indicates when one’s basic boundaries are violated. Some have a learned tendency to react to anger through retaliation. Anger may be utilized effectively when utilized to set boundaries or escape from dangerous situations. Sheila Videbeck describes anger as a normal emotion that involves a strong uncomfortable and emotional response to a perceived provocation.[1]

How do one defines his basic boundaries? It seems like anger is very subjective. In the definition they talk about perceived provocation, so basically this emotion is a reaction toward something you are not sure of. To be able to control it and not use retaliation as a response, a person needs to have the ability to empathize with others and enough self control to take a step back and see the other people’s point of view.

“Transformation is my favorite game and in my experience, anger and frustration are the result of you not being authentic somewhere in your life or with someone in your life. Being fake about anything creates a block inside of you. Life can’t work for you if you don’t show up as you.”
― Jason Mraz

Is Jason Mraz right? (he’s one of my favorite artist by the way). By being authentic do you get rid of anger and frustration ?Or  is it deeper than that? Let me know what you think.

Kisses!

 

 

This is a link to a brochure about managing anger : 

http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx?item=2

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Posted on March 6, 2014, in Journal, Opinions and Advice and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. anger is a self defense mechanism. for example, i have a trigger that is fear of people in authority. so i had a temp psychiatrist for one visit, i didn’t know her, so i was afraid that whatever i might need from her i wouldn’t get. because of this trigger, i became irritable and snippy toward her, which set us off on the wrong foot, making things worse–now i really did think she was going to deny me whatever i might have needed. so i got more upset, etc. then i saw what i was doing, and stopped, but i had already messed up the appointment so even after i apologized, she did not really accept it.

    that is only a mild example for me. lots of times if i am on the phone to credit card people, or billors, or agencies where i need something done, i get so upset i yell at them, hang up, and then i really can’t get what i needed and have to call back and try to stay calm this time!

    anyway, the point is being quick to anger is like a porcupine bristling its pines–it is meant to protect yourself from something negative, but it doesn’t usually end up doing that! because however you were brought up, that anger was a useful way to keep from being hurt but that doesn’t apply in real life now.

    • What do you do to control your anger? Do you feel that as you get older it’s easier or harder? Do you feel bad after, or do you feel better?

      • well i think i have gotten better, cuz now i can see when im doing it. but that is not so much from aging, but more from processing my triggers and memories with my therapist. so now i see it sooner, sometimes i can even avoid getting angry now.

        i always feel bad after being full on angry to someone. it might take awhile for me to admit it, but usually sooner or later, i have to admit that while i was justified in the sense that it was a trigger i couldn’t avoid, so thus not all my fault, after i chill out a bit, i do feel badly that i lost control like that. i dont like losing control, and i don’t like acting in a way that is out of my control and is childish, or inappropriate. then i have to live with that, and sometimes it makes maintaining relationships like with my docs very difficult.

        but, mostly, working on triggers has been my biggest advance, helping me to avoid getting angry and if i do get angry i usually see it and can stop it now. not always tho! good luck–its a hard challenge to change.

  2. Yes I have but mine seem to be hormone related, my now husband did find it really hard to deal with when we met and we did split up for a while but he soon learned that the best way to deal with me was to make light of it, make me laugh and kinda make fun of how ridiculous I was being about something silly. It defuses the situation and it’s how he’s learned to deal with it.
    Not sure if that would help in your situation but that’s how my hubby deals with his crazy wife 🙂

  3. I’d like to share with you a status one of my friends put up earlier today.
    “It is okay to be angry. It is never okay to be cruel.”

    I think you need to sit down with him – when he’s NOT angry – and talk about it, tell him you feel it’s unfair of him to take his anger out on you, tell him you love him and perhaps suggest he gets some help with his issues (whatever it is that he’s angry about).

    I think only you can say if you should be questioning spending the rest of your life together – you know him better than the rest of us. Is this just a bad patch for him? Is he willing to get help to overcome the anger? Only you can decide what your willing to put up with in a relationship and what you are not. Everyone is different. You also must decide for yourself when enough is enough.

    If you talk to him, I hope it goes well!

    xx

    • Thank you! I like your friend’s status. He’s been trying to control it, he sees a psychologist, I think that because I’m not an angry person… (towards others), It’s hard for me to understand how someone can just loose his cool for random reasons. I will talk to him, when I just ignore his outbursts he does calm down but it’s not fun. Nobody’s perfect right ? Anyways I’ll let you know if there is any development in the matter tnx 🙂

      • Some therapy will allow you to have a few sessions as a couple to help you understand, maybe you should ask about it? xx

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