Stock in a corner

I haven’t seen my boyfriend since Sunday. I didn’t ask him to come hoping that he would actually miss be and come spend some time with me. I guess I’m the need one. I feel incredibly lonely right now… I had a very tough week and I’m trying to stay positive but I really feel like I’m alone in this fight. No one to talk to besides my computer screen. I need human presence, I need people to understand that I’m on the edge and although I’m very good at hiding my distress… I need help… I don’t know what to do anymore…

My mom told me today that she wont be able to help  me out financially if i quit my job. She was the one who pressured me to come home for the holidays and she knew that I would have to resign. She told me to stop worrying about money, and guess what I told her I bought my ticket and she asked me if I think it’s a good idea and asked me if I figured out how I was going to be able to pay my rent. Now I’m lost, I don’t know what to do, the ticket is  non refundable and my boyfriend will be leaving to, so if I stay I will be alone. If that happen I’m just gonna jump through my bedroom window ( I leave on the 4th floor and nobody would find be). I don’t think they know that I have a perfect suicide plan. My mom doesn’t think I’m sick for real. Her therapy for me is to go Home and live with her. Maybe the universe wants me there…I’m stock in a corner and I don’t know how to get out of it.I was suppose to go to target with A. tomorrow, just out of curiosity because they just opened in Montreal but she cancelled, I was disappointed but she had a good reason. Now she’s trying to figure out a way to go but I don’t feel like it anymore…

I want to make a hole and bury myself in it. Every time I try to be positive and try to built hope, everything crumbles around me and there is nothing I can do about it. I really wish I could work, I wish I had family in Canada to spend Christmas with but I don’t.Can you imagine me spending Christmas alone in my room when I’m the one who made my boyfriend travel for the holidays? The closest family I have in North America are in Florida and I would also have to quit.. Is it possible to take vacation from invalidity? I’m still going to try to ask them permission to go, hopefully it will be granted since technically I will just be missing four work days.

This morning I had hives, they were probably stress induced and I think I’m having them again.It’s the first time that happens to me, my stress level is probably higher than usual. I don’t feel anxious though, I feel defeated (Sorry my fellow American readers or anyone else who’s celebrating Thanksgiving in Canada it was in October).This morning the hives were on my hands now it’s on my face..Yay me! (I know I should stop scratching but I just can’t).I feel so down I don’t even feel like cutting..I feel like going to the hospital, maybe people would care for me there… I wouldn’t feel so alone…I’m trying to end this post on a positive note but I got nothing…

So goodnight my loves…Kisses

 

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Posted on November 29, 2013, in Journal and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. So sorry that you are having such a tough week! I feel like going to Montreal to give you a hug. The hives definitely sound stress-related. My skin problems (psoriasis) also flare up with stress.
    I think you should easily be able to justify going away if it is just for a short Christmas visit. Maybe your doctor could help you out with a letter since it would be very beneficial for your mental health to be with your loved ones at Christmas?
    I actually went to Australia soon after my breakdown because the trip had already been planned and paid for and because I would have been even more devastated if I didn’t have that retreat from all the terrible things in my life at the time. My doctor and I discussed it and she fully supported me going because there has been some studies that show a holiday can be very helpful to depressed people. It doesn’t hurt to ask in any case!
    I think the worst would be that they wouldn’t pay you for the four days because your weren’t available to work? I think that’s how it works with EI. Definitely ask lots of questions as I’m sure something can be worked out without you having to quit. You definitely don’t want to quit! Being unemployed as well as depressed is a terrible mix (I know from experience!).
    Hugs! Perhaps a bubble bath or some relaxing treat might help a little this evening? Your recommendation for a pedicure was very helpful to me the other week!
    Hugs!

    • Thank you so much 🙂 I’ll try too take a hot shower….I’m scared they don’t let me because last year I traveled for a funeral and they cut my pay. But I’ll definitely ask my psychiatrist. I had to get a lawyer to get these people of my back.( it”s because I work for an insurance company and I’m insured by them so…). Anyways I”m trying to stay hopeful. Tnx for the hug 🙂

  2. Aww I’m sorry you are having such a hard time right now 😦 I know it feels like it won’t get better but it will! Try writing it down, each issue and figure them out separately. Maybe it will help to have a plan!
    Keep your head up 🙂 X0

  3. I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time right now. I hope that the holidays work out for you in a way that will give you peace and nurture you. The hives — can they be related to some medication you’re on? Something you ate at rehab? If you feel your throat swelling, go to emergency or call 911. What has caused you to have hives in the past?

  4. I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’re going through. I don’t know anything about the situation other than what you’ve written here. For all the good and beautiful things in this world, there’s also a lot of dark and horrible things too. But one idea’s kept me going, and feel free to ignore this if it sounds too out of left field. Time doesn’t stop. It keeps moving forward and rolling on and on no matter what. Today life is crummy and terrible but one day, and that day could be as soon as tomorrow, things will change. The problems and challenges you face in your life right now are going to pass and you’re going to be there to see it and live through it. Sometimes the bad things that happen to us are out of our hands and we can’t control them, but we can live through them and come out on the other side. Time marches on and it can heal you. Don’t commit suicide. You may not see it yet since it’s so dark, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there.

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