That feeling I get on Sunday nights

Tonight I’m sleeping alone and that feeling of loneliness is slowly creeping on me. It’s like having a hole in my chest… I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t know why I cannot handle sleeping by myself… My boyfriend sleeps over only on Fridays and Saturdays sometimes one day during the week but the Sundays are the hardest because for a moment I felt safe in my bed. It’s not specifically related to him because when my sister or a friend sleeps over I’m fine. I’m just terrified of sleeping alone. Jack makes it easier but it’s when he wants to sleep on my bed. Sometimes he rather sleep under the bed or on one of his beds.

When I get like that I have the urge to hurt myself because the physical pain and the sight of the blood makes my emotional pain legitimate in some twisted way. The scars on my hands remind me that my depression is real because a person have to be really disturbed to cut himself just for ”fun”. Sometimes I wished somebody cared about my scars but I do everything to hide them. I read a blog post today ( Forgot who the author is… sorry) the title was ” You don’t receive get well soon cards for depression” and it is right on. 

At my job every time someone would get sick they would send them cards for their birthday, holidays and cards telling them that everybody’s thinking about them…I’ve been in sick leave for a year now I have never gotten a call an email or a card from the team… It’s like I went on vacation and I didn’t tell them. Even though I try not to care, it still hurts and the eventuality of going back to work is scarier. How awkward is that going to be? 

Jack came to give me kisses, exactly what I need right now, I don’t know if i would have survived without that dog…

Back to the topic of social alienation, I am grateful  to have to support I get and I cannot complain about that. I only wish I could be more positive and focus on the people I love but I guess that the desire to fit in and that sense of belonging is an inevitable need of human beings. I honestly don’t like my job and every time I think about going back to that environment I plan on how I’m gonna get to the 21st floor and jump. But I need money and I somehow wish I could find a way to go back and try to enjoy working…I have finally stopped lying to myself and admitted that I’m an humanist and that I hate corporations nut I have a bachelor degree in business and i work for a financial institution. What am I suppose to do? Until I go back to school which is at least in September 2014, I’m going to have to work in my field and I would prefer working in a hell I already know. 

Kisses again from jack 🙂 

OMG this post is depressing… I’ve been on a positive streak this weekend… I guess we are back to reality now… I have to manage not  to hurt myself this week, I think I can restrain from doing it tonight because writing made me feel a little better. Like I’m actually talking to someone… I guess I am since you guys will be reading it soon…anyways I’m gonna take dear Seroquel now (I HATE IT SO MUCH!) and try to sleep.

Night night again my loves!

 

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Posted on November 18, 2013, in Journal and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.

  1. I understand what you mean. It was also like I fell off the face of the world when I went on long term sick leave for depression a few years ago. And I dreaded returning to the work force because my work unit was dysfunctional and part of the cause for my breakdown. In the end we worked out compromises. I first worked from home, and then in a separate office from my problematic work team. And I used the time to try my hardest to find a new job, which I luckily did. Sleep well.

  2. I can understand as well. I also seemed to fall off the face of the earth like depressedbuthopeful said…Depression hit me hard but I’m thankful I had people around who love me. I can imagine how grateful you are for Jack and your boyfriend. I know it’s a tough time right now and I know the pain. I’ve been trying to work past the depression and anxiety, with some success thanks to counseling and being put on Effexor. But indeed, finding a positive work environment is very important. I pray and hope that when you return to work that you will have at least a few people who are supportive.

    But I can relate to wanting to feel pain, something, anything, just to know you’re alive. I was like that back in April. I was so numb from trying to bury my depression and pain and suicidal thoughts that I just wanted to FEEL. It took loving friends to help me come back to myself and feel human again. I know that you can make it through this as well! I know what it’s like to not feel strong. But believe me, there are people who care about your scars and how you’re feeling! 🙂

  3. Thinking of you. You are strong! Hugs!

  4. wow, I can relate to this post so much. A few years ago I had a really bad spell of depression, and I struggled to be alone so much I would pursue desperate attempts to prevent it. It was a time when the SH urges was at its peak. It was awful and I feel your pain. Over the years I have sorted out some issues and made friends with myself – making piece with my mind and who I am as a person was my saviour. I’ve learnt to enjoy my own company now. It will get better – I hope the dark cloud lifts for you soon x

  5. Depression sucks. The thing that makes it worse is that there is no real scale for it. So most people don’t take it seriously. I mean someone who just has a couple tears now and then can have themselves considered depressed by professionals, as can someone who fights everyday to stop themselves ending their life. Its stupid.
    Try to make the most of the time you have away from the office. This is your time for you. Screw those inconsiderate people from work. They don’t deserve to make you sad!
    I know right now it probably seems like hurting yourself is going to make you feel better, but you sre so strong! I am feeling like

    • That lately and I keep trying to remind myself I will feel guilt for doing it, and that will last longer than the relief it gives. Keep you head up! You can do this!
      Note down happiness with your bf and jack to keep your mind busy. Just silly things you’ve done and keep the notes to read when you need to smile.
      I’m here and listening to you. Hope you are feeling better.
      You keep well.
      Bonny

  6. I used to self harm too. As a matter of fact, Beth ( my 9 year old) only stopped self harming this year. We have a huge amount of experience at my house with cutting, self-biting, and head banging. I totally understand the feeling. I used to use cutting as a way to make sure I felt something. In a way it brought me back to this “reality”. I have some interesting mental health issues myself, as I’m sure you just guessed lol.

    As for not getting cards, that also happened to me when I left work due to mental health and anxiety issues. As the parent of a child with mental health issues I see it brought up in support groups too. One of the things that has been being discussed lately is how people will offer help, bring you meals, call and check on you if you have a physical health issue, like cancer or something, but very few call, let alone show up and offer help, when its a mental health issue. (we are going to pretend that sentence is grammatically correct).

    I find the few people I really feel a connection with online are the ones that help me the most. They are typically people who can absolutely relate in some way!

  7. Loved this post. I love when someone shares their emotions and inner struggles with others. So redeeming. I’m glad you have a dog to love on you. Pets have a special way of touching hearts at just the right time. Kudos to you for not acting on the impulse and choosing to write instead. I appreciate the words and you are definitely not alone.

  8. I’ve been there and still am there. I commend your honesty, I know it’s difficult to put into words what’s going on inside your head. It’s like reliving it…..

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