That feeling I get on Sunday nights
Tonight I’m sleeping alone and that feeling of loneliness is slowly creeping on me. It’s like having a hole in my chest… I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t know why I cannot handle sleeping by myself… My boyfriend sleeps over only on Fridays and Saturdays sometimes one day during the week but the Sundays are the hardest because for a moment I felt safe in my bed. It’s not specifically related to him because when my sister or a friend sleeps over I’m fine. I’m just terrified of sleeping alone. Jack makes it easier but it’s when he wants to sleep on my bed. Sometimes he rather sleep under the bed or on one of his beds.
When I get like that I have the urge to hurt myself because the physical pain and the sight of the blood makes my emotional pain legitimate in some twisted way. The scars on my hands remind me that my depression is real because a person have to be really disturbed to cut himself just for ”fun”. Sometimes I wished somebody cared about my scars but I do everything to hide them. I read a blog post today ( Forgot who the author is… sorry) the title was ” You don’t receive get well soon cards for depression” and it is right on.
At my job every time someone would get sick they would send them cards for their birthday, holidays and cards telling them that everybody’s thinking about them…I’ve been in sick leave for a year now I have never gotten a call an email or a card from the team… It’s like I went on vacation and I didn’t tell them. Even though I try not to care, it still hurts and the eventuality of going back to work is scarier. How awkward is that going to be?
Jack came to give me kisses, exactly what I need right now, I don’t know if i would have survived without that dog…
Back to the topic of social alienation, I am grateful to have to support I get and I cannot complain about that. I only wish I could be more positive and focus on the people I love but I guess that the desire to fit in and that sense of belonging is an inevitable need of human beings. I honestly don’t like my job and every time I think about going back to that environment I plan on how I’m gonna get to the 21st floor and jump. But I need money and I somehow wish I could find a way to go back and try to enjoy working…I have finally stopped lying to myself and admitted that I’m an humanist and that I hate corporations nut I have a bachelor degree in business and i work for a financial institution. What am I suppose to do? Until I go back to school which is at least in September 2014, I’m going to have to work in my field and I would prefer working in a hell I already know.
Kisses again from jack 🙂
OMG this post is depressing… I’ve been on a positive streak this weekend… I guess we are back to reality now… I have to manage not to hurt myself this week, I think I can restrain from doing it tonight because writing made me feel a little better. Like I’m actually talking to someone… I guess I am since you guys will be reading it soon…anyways I’m gonna take dear Seroquel now (I HATE IT SO MUCH!) and try to sleep.
Night night again my loves!