Insomnia

People always ask me : why do you take sleeping pills? You have to be careful, they’re addictive. It’s because you stay on your computer too much. Have you tried turning off the lights? Do you do enough exercises? Maybe you should occupy yourself more during the day. 

The truth is I haven’t slept well since I was twelve. I played tennis three times a week , went to school, had a social life but no matter how tired I was I just couldn’t sleep. I was scared to sleep. 

There’s nothing worse than not feeling safe in your own house, spending the night worrying… Is he gonna come tonight? Is he gonna hurt my little sister? I have to protect her, she has no one else. So I would get up every three hours or so to go to her room, make sure she’s fine, listening to her tiny heart beat. He could hurt me but not her… she didn’t do anything wrong … she’s just a kid. 

It was my fault, why did I walk around the house in sports bra after tennis practice.. He’s a man I should have known. That’s what I get for being sexy, that”s what I get for being pretty. I never told him to stop… I betrayed my mom with her husband. She’s away working very hard so she can provide for me, and that’s what I’m doing to her? 

All these thought in my head, all that anger, all that shame are stronger than any physical need. I could not sleep, I had to stay awake, to protect her and to keep it from happening again. Didn’t really matter since he did it at any time of the day, no one was there to keep me safe. He was the one who kept me safe. 

He’s the closest thing I have to a dad, I called him dad. My real dad saw him as such a good man that he left the job to him. You’re so lucky.. they said… You have to dads who love you. One of them loved me too much… I could escape during the day, go to tennis practice or to my friends house. I went to sleep over my cousin’s… but when he came to get me.. I had to go.

I went to university and that scare of sleeping stayed with me. I never felt safe at night, I still don’t… I wait until my body is screaming for rest to take my sleeping pills. I don’t like to sleep, I don’t rest when I sleep. All I get is nightmares and flashbacks. On a never ending adventure… an horror story I remember when I wake up. I thought the nightmares would stop if I told my mom… I finally told her after ten years…She left my dad. He’s not in my life anymore but every night I dream about him. 

So maybe I don’t have insomnia. I’m just too scared to sleep. 

 

 

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Posted on November 5, 2013, in Journal and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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